I Tried To Do A Chore Yesterday And Got Caught In A Parade Then Punched At A Best Buy.

If you want to know just how lazy I am hear this: last summer I spent the entire summer sleeping in a third floor, New York City, sweltering bedroom and never once bought an air conditioner. I slept on my bed every night sprawled out spread eagle, like I was tied to each bed post by invisible rope, in order to ensure no part of my body touched another part of my body and thus caused more body heat. I, of course, didn’t use a blanket or sheets because that would just make me hotter but if you’ve ever tried to fall asleep without something covering you, serving as your shield from the monsters under the bed, then you know the lack of cover makes it very difficult to fall asleep. So every night I would lay there, sweating, until 3 or 4 AM until I mercifully passed out.

Yesterday I decided this summer would be different. I was going to get myself an air conditioner, like a big boy.

I didn’t go out on Saturday night, I slept on my couch in front of a fan and watched hockey then Body of Lies then The Kingdom on Netflix, so I woke up on Sunday morning ready to fuck the day. As soon as that 11 AM sun hit my window I was up and at em, excited to complete my single chore before I could go back to doing absolutely nothing. I had no idea what an air conditioner was going for these days, I would’ve believed 8 dollars and I would’ve believed 500 dollars, so I logged on to BestBuy.com to do some research and by research I mean type “air conditioner” into the search bar then toggle the sorter to “price: low to high.” When I clicked on the cheapest available air conditioner ($179.99 so it was perfectly in the window I expected it to be) I saw there was an option for in-store pickup. Perfect! I’ll go get it right now and sleep like a cold baby tonight!

The Best Buy was on the corner of 23rd and 6th, not far from the office, in fact I’d been there before to buy Trent a Nelly CD for Secret Santa this December, and a walkable distance from my apartment. I decided I’d take a lovely afternoon stroll to pick it up then Uber back and shortly be watching Netflix from the comfort of a cool room, without the need for a fan inches from my face running so loudly I’m forced to put subtitles on the TV. Easy peasy.

Not easy peasy. You see, I live on Lexington so to get to 6th Avenue I would have to go crosstown from Lex to Park to Madison to 5th before arriving at my desired Avenue. However, upon arriving at 5th yesterday, I discovered that there was a parade marching down it. I found myself surrounded by an oppressive crowd, trapped on one side of a bike rack looking barricade, with folks dressed like the chiquita banana lady scurrying all around me and startling me. I don’t know why people were dressed in such garb, it was a Jewish parade, yet there they were, short South American looking folks constantly making me jump because they were so little I thought they may have been street rats (honestly they were probably children, I only saw the backs of their heads as they raced by me in costume. But in my mind it was a gang of oddly dressed midgets). Worse yet, I’d recently lost my headphones so I couldn’t even pretend to be in my own world. I was forced to live in this world, the real one, and hear Jewish girls talk about how they “hope they look like sluts” while the sound of drums invaded my ears as if they were Palestine. It was all so overwhelming that I spent a good deal of time looking around hoping for someone to save me, like I was a lost child and soon my father’s outstretched hand would pull me from this hell.

No such hand arrived so I pushed and ducked and dodged and dived my own way from 36th to 23rd and finally was able to cross to reach the promised land, Best Buy. First I went downstairs to get new headphones because the hardship I was forced to endure on my journey, hearing noises I didn’t want to hear, had reminded me just how important headphones are. Now I don’t know when the last time you were in a Best Buy was but it’s depressing as hell. It’s so empty I expected to see a tumbleweed roll across the laptop section or something. I was rushed by employees like I was handing out free money. I don’t know if it was out of boredom or a desperate attempt to save their jobs, but they threw themselves at my feet and begged to serve me as if I were the Messiah. I simply informed them I was looking for a new pair of headphones and, heartbroken I hadn’t offered to buy the entire store, they directed me towards the correct area. I went with Bose SoundSports, they were on sale for a reasonable $129.99 and if I’d learned anything from the folks marching I’d just spent an hour with it’s you never turn down a sale.

Once I’d completed that transaction it was time to head upstairs, to the order pickup area, and grab my air conditioner. I walked up to the counter and Oliver, a mid to late 20s and rather chubby fella, stared at me like he’d seen a ghost. He was in absolute awe and was frozen in fear. I probably should have heard the commotion behind me but I was too busy talking to myself in my head, Yeah Oliver, it’s really me. Feitelberg from Barstool. I know, I can’t believe it either. That guy whose bad blogs you read is really here, in the flesh, but c’mon man play it cool. This conversation with myself was interrupted when a fist slammed into the back of my head.

Oliver wasn’t stunned at the sight of me, it was the three Best Buy employees trying to wrestle an attempted shoplifter into the back room that had grabbed his attention. He wasn’t going easily. The alleged shoplifter desperately tried to free himself with no concern for his surroundings (understandably), after accidentally hitting me he knocked down a sign or two and sent a few Apple products flying before being condemned to Best Buy jail.

Oliver profusely apologized to me and I told him it was no big deal while he explained Best Buy’s policy on theft: as long as you take it out of your bag we let you go, but when you punch my manager that’s when you’re in trouble. Well that’s fair, I thought, as I picked up my air conditioner and went on my way.

I sat on my air conditioner, on the corner, waiting for Bah to pick me up in his Toyota Acadia and greeted the officers who, presumably, would soon be arresting the shoplifter. “Careful with that one, he’s feisty” I said, which was received with a confused look and nothing more. They parked facing the wrong direction on 23rd and were in a bus lane, but I didn’t feel it was my place to tell them they were parked illegally. Bah arrived shortly thereafter and took me on my 35 minute ride home, it usually takes about 7 minutes but parade traffic is no joke. Since that was no fault of Bah’s I still gave him his 5 stars.

I got home, plugged in my air conditioner, and slept more soundly than I have in about a year last night. I slept so well that I had the energy to write this blog and give Best Buy more media attention than they’ve received since Serial.

But I’ll still never do a chore or errand ever again. And you can quote me on that.