There Is An App Called "Citizen" That Lets You Monitor Crime Nearby, And It Is The Best Thing Of My Life

A friend of mine told me about this app called Citizen yesterday. It’s a crime app that shows you crimes that are happening around you, as reported by citizens, many of whom take photos of the crimes. It’s basically Waze for criminal activity. You can “warn your friends” with the click of a button, or express your sympathy with a crying emoji face. Most of the crimes are what you’d expect:

Stabbings, fires, fights, thievery, mischief… all sorts of badness. But every so often (aka every single day), you get a couple REALLY good crimes. Take a look:

Have you ever heard someone ask, “can I have one of your fries?” Of course you have, because it’s the #1 most commonly asked question by anyone who has ever eaten a meal in America. It’s an especially popular question among vegan women who order a plate of cucumber slices, only to realize that your steak frites is exactly what has been missing from their horrific life since their last boyfriend ran off with a herd of deer. The point is, most people would not call the police if someone threw french fries at their head. Most people would be grateful. Not this snitching hag though. In fairness, I’m on her side. Don’t tempt me with salt and fat; these abs won’t grate parmesan on themselves.

Scary one here. Police had to respond to a reported “vicious animal.” As a cop responding to this on Upper West Side, you’re expecting to run into a communist red panda or a child sex-trafficking stork escaped from the Central Park penitentiary for animals. Instead… a squirrel. A woman was menaced by a squirrel. Menaced! Oh how I love this.

I’ll be scrolling the app tonight, looking for some tasty crimes to report. Please do the same and send them my way. If anyone lives in Chelsea, I say we buy some hockey masks and see if we can’t rustle together a band of vigilantes. We’ll start small–old ladies stealing groceries, young children fighting on the playground, etc. But as our weapons and funding improve, we’ll be thwarting menacing squirrels in no time. Hey Elon, we could really use one of those flamethrowers. Squirrel barbecue at my place after!!