Air Baths and Bungholes

Offices here closing early today, and closed both tomorrow AND Thursday, which is pretty fucking sweet.  I will post remotely if the muse presents itself whilst I’m at the beach.

In the meantime, if you are stuck at a barbecue over the next couple of days, and you are getting sick of LAbron talk, then I am about to give you 2 patriotic topics to chat about with whomever douchebag your wife sticks you with…

First topic is one of this country’s Founding Fathers, Ben Franklin.

Franklin was a polymath- Someone who was extraordinary in many different fields. Kind of like me, but the exact opposite.  He was an author who helped draft the Declaration of Independence.  He was an inventor credited with the lightning rod and bifocals.  He was a political theorist, humorist, postmaster, scientist, and freemason.

He was also a nudist who liked to show off his dick.

Doctors in Franklin’s day espoused that low temperatures were the leading cause of getting a cold.  Cold begat colds, so to speak.  Franklin believed differently.  He thought it wasn’t the actual cold that caused you to be sick.  Instead, it was the germs circulating around rooms that were closed off to avoid the cold weather outside.  So to avoid getting these germs, Franklin came up with something he called an “air bath.”  He would open the windows of his house to increase air circulation and then stand on his balcony in the nude for at least a half hour daily to get the full medicinal effects of increased airflow.

I’m totally on board with this… Not so sure about my Asian neighbors though (Pale Godzilla!).  And it makes you wonder what he was wearing below the waist whenever you see his stoic expression on a 100 dollar bill.

The second topic is similar, and it concerns Lyndon Baines Johnson.

Johnson was elected Vice President in 1960 and became our 36th president in ’63 after the assassination of JFK.  He is remembered mainly for his “Great Society” social service programs, the Civil Rights Act of 1964, and expanding U.S. involvement in the Vietnam War.

He was also a freaky fuck with a huge dick.

He affectionately referred to his penis as “Jumbo”, although “Large” would’ve also been fine, I suppose… According to some of the enlightened people at the very bottom of the comment section, “Large” seems to be a perfectly good nickname for an annoying dick.

Back to Johnson (literally).  To show off Jumbo, Lyndon would frequently urinate in public and wave it around at any poor bastard unfortunate enough to walk into the bathroom when he was using a urinal.  White House staff also had to put up with him sitting on the toilet with the door open, issuing orders and carrying on conversations as he dumped.  In one of his most infamous penis-flashing incidents, LBJ was apparently so sick of reporters haranguing him about why America was involved in Vietnam that he unzipped his pants and declared, “This is why!”… Imagine having a President being so inappropriate?

UPI reporter Bill Theis was once told by Lyndon that subsequent White House economic policies were “the worst thing that’s happened to this country since pantyhose ruined finger-fucking.”… Amen, brother.

Here’s a recording of LBJ ordering pants…

I just like the way he says he needs more room around where his “nuts hang” and near his “bunghole” before burping, and then running out to a funeral… Presumably for whatever was left of JFK.

On top of the whole big dick thing, Johnson was also a whore master.  As his wife, Lady Bird Johnson once said, “My husband loved people.  He loved all people.  Now, half the people in the world are women.  You don’t think I could have kept my husband away from half the people in the world, do you?”  While most of his sexual rendezvous took place in the White House (often within earshot of Lady Bird), LBJ is known to have fucked in the Senate cloak room, the Capitol men’s room, the Lincoln Memorial, and Fords Theater.

Fucking Democrats.

LBJ was also the most popular US president among Mexican men, because there is nothing Mexican guys love more than “El bj”… Am I right, muchachos?

Enjoy the fourth.

Take a report.

-Large

“How many M-80’s you need Jason?”

“I’ll take 10, Large.”

I bet you will, you stumpy cocksucker.

Take another report.

-L