Alpaca Tragically Dies Because Some Clueless Driver Constantly Dumped Junk Food Into His Pasture

News4Jax- The Creekside Animal Hospital in Clay County released a statement that their youngest alpaca died on Sunday of endotoxemia.

The staff at The Animal Hospital said a man in a blue car was dumping food in the field the Alpacas graze in.

“He dumped three boxes of animal crackers,  one large bag of Doritos, two large boxes of cheese nips and two bags of whole peanuts.  We know this because he leaves the litter behind every single time and we clean it up,” The Animal Hospital said.

I’ve heard my share of barnyard horror stories. Lord knows, I’ve seen some things on the farm. Might have even caused a few accidents myself, done a little experimenting here and there when the mood struck. But as far as depravity goes, this story takes the cake. Some twisted, diabetic individual has been fattening up the alpacas with junk food so that he can serve alpaca shanks at the next Thanksgiving. With no care for their dietary restrictions, the “Man in the Blue Car” performs drive-bys with no regard for alpaca life. And now, we’ve got a dead ‘paca on our hands.

I might have been able to forgive the doritos, cheese nips, and peanuts. But animal crackers? That’s the work of a sadistic monster. He’s toying with the alpacas. That’s forced snack cannibalism. Making a poor animal eat crackers in the shape of his brethren is something no alpaca shoulder ever face. I don’t care how bad the alpaca has been, how many times it escapes the pasture and roams into mountains, initiating a county-wide alpaca search. Imagine if a company in China was dumping crackers shaped like Chinese folk into their work pen, whereupon the starving workers scrambled for crumbs and ate the soggy heads off their own little cracker avatars? There’d be an uproar. But because this monster targeted the friendly, furry alpaca with his evil, we think it’s funny.

“What’s one less alpaca?” they say. “I’m sure there are plenty of alpacas left out there.” Once upon a time, that may have been true. But recent scientific journals hint that alpacas are at risk of becoming endangered because humans continue to cross-breed them with llamas, creating llampacas (my term, not theirs), which are barely discernible from their purebred forefathers. There truly is not telling what these mutants are capable of, but I can tell you that it won’t end well.