Ryan Howard Officially Retires From Baseball...Wait, Ryan Howard Wasn't Already Retired From Baseball?
Ryan Howard came out with his retirement yesterday with A Player’s Tribune article thanking the city of Philadelphia. Great for him on an amazing career and life after earning no less than 400 trillion dollars while playing for the Phillies. My apologies as I was out forcing Brian Dawkins to watch my high school football highlight film (very sad, but somehow very true) and galavanting around Philly in preparation of a Super Bowl Title Defense. But I had to weigh in on the official retirement one of the most ambivalent athletes in Philly sports history. When I saw this, I did a quadruple take. How, in the name of Zeus’ BUTTHOLE, is The Big Piece not retired yet? Ryan Howard hasn’t played in the show since 2016. For those of you paying attention, it’s now the end of the 2018 season. Sure, Howard got a little minor-league action with the Braves and Rockies in 2017, but nada since. That’s holding out on some hope. If anything, I respect holding off till the end of this season in hopes of a pipedream DH situation.
Nevertheless, farewell Big Piece. I don’t think an athlete anywhere has been as loved and as loathed as Ryan Howard in Philadelphia. Think about it. The dude was the fastest player to reach both the 100 and 200 home run milestones in MLB history. His 2006 MVP year was one of the greatest individual seasons in franchise history (.313, 58, 149). The Phillies are nowhere near the (almost) dynasty they were from ’07-’11 without The Big Piece. Plus the man hit DINGERS. I’m talking moonshots not seen off this Earth to all parts of the field.
I can’t recall a sweeter stroke and sound from any Phillies player in history than when Ryan Howard fully connected on one. It’s a thing of pure beauty. But, Christ on a cracker, after blowing out his Achilles in 2011 in his final AB to end the devastating Divisional Game 5 to the eventual WS Champion Cardinals, this man wildly under performed. It hurts the soul that he was making more money per half-assed whiff at an off-speed pitch than most Americans make in a month of hard work. It’s nothing personal, it just gets that way when you realize Ryan Howard’s manifested more than enough Golden Sombrero’s to make every illegal immigrant in this country feel right at home. Again, it’s not him, it’s the bloated contract he signed. Let’s see how that worked out in relation to other big deals in MLB history:
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It’s a dark day when your former prized possession once destined for historical greatness is valued worse than Homer motherfucking Bailey. Good grief. And I despise how much hate Ryan Howard has gotten over the years. I really do. But when you’re paid $25 MILLION a year with an apathetic attitude that would put Peter from Office Space to shame, you get to be shat on when you’re not producing. Give me that kind of money and you can literally shit on my face 3 times an hour for the next couple decades.
Even so, after all the downs and outs after ’11, Ryan Howard deserves to be in Philadelphia lore for all of eternity. I’m talking first ballot Phillies Wall Of Fame and standing ovation every time he returns to this city. I mean, Christ, Howard is second in franchise history in home runs, and third in RBI. Pete Rose and Jim Thome may want to fight me, but while they were wore the uniform, Ryan Howard is the best 1B in Phillies history. (Travis Lee, Kevin Jordan, and Rico Brogna notwithstanding, of course). LONG LIVE THE BIG PIECE: