This Is Not A Drill! Sony Is Getting Into The Nostalgia Video Game Market By Releasing The Playstation Classic
USA TODAY- Sony’s next video game console is going retro. The electronics giant announced early Wednesday it will sell the PlayStation Classic, a miniature version of its first PlayStation console, on Dec. 3.
The Classic looks exactly like the original PlayStation, which launched in 1994, only the Classic is about 45 percent smaller. The device will sell for $99.99.
I am going to take this news completely rationally by asking that Sony INJECT THIS SCREEN AND SONG DIRECTLY INTO MY VEINS!!!!!!
Wow, I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me there. Anytime I see a beloved video game system from my youth look like it’s being held by The Boban, I get drunk off of Member Berries and briefly lose my fucking mind. I am happy to see that Sony was tired of watching Nintendo print money by going the Hollywood route of rebooting classic favorites and brought back the PS1.
As always with these releases, the biggest story outside of the console coming out is the games that will be included. While those details don’t appear to be concrete yet, they already have 1 very big fish on the hook.
Instead of requiring discs to play games, the PS Classic will come pre-loaded with 20 retro games, including “Final Fantasy VII” and “Tekken 3.”
Well now I went from a Member Berries black out to the cum-drenched Randy Marsh meme. I will go to the end of the Earth to play Final Fantasy VII. I bought my PS3 simply because there was a rumored FF VII remake coming out for it. I bought my PS4 simply because there was a rumored FF VII remake coming out for it. I will buy a PS5 simply because there will be a rumored FF VII remake coming out for it. I don’t care that the Final Fantasy VII remake with modern day graphics is the video game equivalent of Dr. Dre’s “Detox” and it will never see the light of day. Sony has me by the short hairs on this one. I will continue chasing the dragon and spending disposable income I don’t have on a game system my old ass is too busy and washed up to use just because I love that game so much. They could have announced the PS Classic as a Final Fantasy VII machine and I would have been sold.
However, there will be more games added to the mix as well. I’m sure everyone had their favorites growing up, but if I had a wish list, it would be:
1. Crash Bandicoot- Sony releasing the Playstation Classic without the face of the franchise back in the day would be such a slap in the face to Crash, PlayStation fans, and the video game gods themselves. Him being off the initial game list is curious, but I can’t imagine Sony would fuck this up because Crash put the team on his back with that awesome Hoonamagahh mask guy.
2. Metal Gear Solid- Easily one of the most enjoyable, fulfilling games I have ever played in my life. Great story, great lead character, and some of the best villains in video game history. Defeating Psychic Mantis remains one of the cooler things I have ever done.
Also if you need to wake up, hearing the classic MGS alert sound is better than paying for a coffee.
3. Tomb Raider- Gotta throw the baddest bitch from the 90s on this list. You know a character is awesome when Angelina Jolie is the perfect choice to play them in a movie. Those polygonal boobs turned way too many young Stoolies into men for them not to be included in this nostalgia money grab.
4. Resident Evil- Jimmy V once said ” If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that’s a full day. That’s a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you’re going to have something special”. Well I am going to add “Scare yourself shitless” to that list since a good scare gets the blood flowing and nothing gives you quite an adrenaline rush like a good scare. Since I’m too big of a pussy to watch a horror movie, I’ll just fire up Resident Evil daily for the absolutely terrifying feeling whenever you opened a door not knowing what was behind it and having zombie dogs coming for your throat.
5. Twisted Metal 2- Outside of FFVII, this may have been my favorite game on PlayStation. A demolition derby on steroids where you could also take down famous world monuments like you were the aliens from Independence Day evil if it does feel kinda terroristy now. Anyway, I can’t wait to murder fools with my guy Axel, Top 5 badass in video game history.
You can throw Gran Turismo on the list as well if you want since I know people loved it even though I was never a racing game guy outside of Mario Kart.
Even though it’s staying true to the OG, I don’t love that there is a wired controller just because so many living rooms are setup far away from flat screens. Nintendo boned this with the NES Classic by making their wires like 6 inches long. Hopefully Sony doesn’t fuck this up. Regardless, I can’t wait for the PS Classic to come out. Between the Twitch channel being brought back to life and Old School KFC getting in on #ComeBackSZN, we should have plenty of good material for our upcoming retro video game throwback show and that’s before Nintendo answers by dropping the N64 classic nuke in response.
P.S. And for the “Buy a Raspberry Pi and install a PlayStation emulator on it instead” crowd, I already have one and could do that. But since I have a full-time job, I can afford the $100 to a faceless corporation for nostalgic dopamine shot directly into my brain.