Fortnite Just Added Pets To The Game And It's A Bunch Of Malarkey

One of the best things about Fortnite is that the creators of the game are always looking to improve it. From the weapons, to the map changes, to adding motherfucking Thanos into the mix when Infinity War was the hottest thing on the planet. Everything Fortnite touches turns to gold, both literally and figuratively.

However, I have a huge problem with this pet mumbo jumbo. The Fortnite island is no place for a pup. Every human that boards that battle bus knows exactly what they signed up for: A 99% chance of death if all things are equal. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles in a battle royale. But some players having a cute dog, dragon, or the chameleon from Tangled in their backpack (shout out to all the fellow Stoolie parents that know that underrated flick) is a humongous advantage. When you are hunting the most dangerous game, you cannot have a shred of hesitation in battle. And if you do anything but hesitate from shooting an opponent when you see this face, you are a sick fuck that should be buried under the Fortnite prison.

I have always had a hard time attacking dogs in any video games. It doesn’t matter if it was the zombie dogs that scared the shit out of me in Resident Evil or Hitler’s blood-thirsty German Shepards in Wolfenstein. I always tried to run away from them instead of sending them to meet their maker, no matter how undead they were or how evil their owner was. You know why? Because the bond between man and canine has been one forged through centuries of loyalty, companionship, and love. To ask someone to break that bond and sentence a cute pooch like the one above to a life without it’s master on an island full of armed murderers and poisonous storms is not something I want to do during my leisure time. Which is why I say certain players having a good boy in their backpack that will melt the heart of their enemies is about as unfair as facing the late-90s Texas Rangers lineup during the heart of the steroids era. And we all know that if you pause for even a second in Fortnite, this is the fate you are pretty much sentenced to.

Sorry I had to include that video because it makes me laugh every time. But seriously Fortnite, get the cute dogs out of the mix. I’ll allow cats, snakes, and any other pets that only weirdos own.