I Went To A Jazz Show And All I Got Was This Stupid Blog
If I’m on a road trip & see a sign for the world’s largest ball of twine I’m the type to go off route & check it out, and the same goes on a smaller scale for the streets of New York City. If I’m walking to grab a slice & something catches my eye it doesn’t take long to be nosing around. Last month it led me to the Museum of the Moving Image where I saw things like Jim Henson’s original muppets & the fat suit from Mrs. Doubtfire. Before that it was the Museum of Sex by the office where diamond butt plugs & bounce-house boobs reign supreme…
Yesterday it happened to be a pamphlet for a jazz show only a few doors down from Barstool HQ. I was walking by inhaling an ice cream & next thing you know I had a $15 ticket & something new to cross off on the ever-growing NYC bucket list.
First things first, I needed a cool outfit because that’s pretty much the only thing I know about jazz. If I’d had my way that would involve a white, furry Kangol hat & pleather pants but I have neither. Instead, PFT was kind enough to let me root around his pile for a fedora & I found a neat jacket in the costume closet.
When I got to the building there was only a dicey, old elevator & I wasn’t sure where to go so I just hopped on & hoped for the best.
As the door was closing 3 guys with pizza boxes got in (spoiler alert: no sex involved) & I asked if they knew “where the jazz thing was”.
The hipsteriest looking of the bunch responded with, “Um………… What’s jazz?” And they all laughed like that was really funny.
So I replied, “I think it involves those new ‘instrument’ things, heh heh.” And then it was very silent.
That’s when it dawned on me that these guys were probably the musicians having a laugh at my expense & I decided I hated jazz right there on the spot because I have low emotional intelligence. When the doors opened we all got out on the 5th floor and they were, indeed, the musicians of the evening’s jazz trio.
As the crowd filled in I became aware that I was the only woman in the entire room from the ensemble to the audience to the staff. Total sausage fest. Be cool, Kate. Be cool. Maybe they’ll think you’re a talent scout.
And by the time they started playing there were about 35 people in the room & I was still the only woman. And they all had nearly identical haircuts. For some reason I thought that was really weird & wondered if I was crashing some sort of bluesy dudez nite.
The trio started with John Coltrane’s “Song Of Praise” (which I only know because they said so) and I immediately felt like an idiot. The drum, bass & piano were all disjointed to me. Everyone was bopping their heads around like they were really digging it but no one was doing it to the same beat. (Meanwhile, the beat simply eluded me all-together… I’d start to tap my foot & then things would switch up & I’d get lost.) It felt like I was with a group of people looking at a painting and I was the only person who didn’t ‘get it‘.
I will say, every few minutes they’d hit a sweet spot that struck me beautifully & I was genuinely moved with the talent & joy they had onstage, but then I’d get lost again.
Maybe it’s a mix of being an uncultured slob & not knowing enough about this style of music, but the three instruments were so clashy that it was legit starting to stress me out.
I went fuzzy & started noticing all the small things… The squeaking of the piano bench, their “O” faces when they hit notes they really seemed to like, how I couldn’t stop fidgeting while everyone else seemed so still besides their beat-bopping heads, a self-conscious feeling about my awful hat slowly building, what does jazz have to do with Barstool Sports, what am I doing here, where is the exit, oh my God get me out…
Everything was dark. There was a glowing EXIT sign but it wasn’t where I’d entered & it looked like it just led to a bathroom. When was the right moment to bolt? What was the game plan? I pictured myself tangled in curtains while the jazz guys laughed at me again. I started to panic & texted our producer who was expecting me back at the office for Hi Haters! prep & got no support.
I felt a sense of relief when the elevator doors opened back at office revealing a gaggle of coworkers scattered around in their usual spots. The only notes – those of the Colts/Patriots game playing in the background. Phew.
Overall that was a bit out of my comfort zone, but at least it’s something off my bucket list and I’m not all out on giving it another shot. While I finish typing this I have the ‘Coffee Table Jazz’ channel going on Spotify & I’m all about it. For tonight though, I’ll stick to a spectacle I know I’ll enjoy… (heyyyyo!)