American Politics Explained with nWo Hollywood vs. Wolfpac

Let’s talk about two of my favorite subjects, politics and professional wrestling.

There is a great quote from Jesse Ventura about how politics are basically the same thing as professional wrestling. Politicians scream at each other on camera all day, go out for drinks after, and do it all again the next day. All in the hopes of winning their very own popularity contest that happens every so often so they can stay in the ring (collecting those paychecks from special interests). Watch the full clip here.

Thinking about what “The Body” said there got me on this idea about… what wrestling rivalry is the best comparison to where we are right now in America?

DX vs. Nation of Domination?? Nah, too one-sided. DX vs. Hart Foundation?? Closer, but feels too international. NWO vs. WCW?? Getting warmer, but it’s also a bit too one-sided… NWO Hollywood vs. NWO Wolfpac?? Just right.

Let’s break it down.

New World Order (NWO) Hollywood vs. Wolfpac was a rivalry born from a beef between Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash and Randy Savage. The Wolfpac (Nash and Savage) realized that Hollywood Hogan was only looking out for #1, so they split off and made the fans pick a side. Two sides only, sounds familiar, right?

Let’s hit the character comparisons. This was hard to select, but I’ve listed some reasoning below each pick. There are probably arguments to be made for others to fill these roles, but hey, I’m not painting the Mona Lisa here. We’re comparing 90s wrestlers and current politicians; this blog is about 2 drinks away from turning into a story about underground Brazilian canary fighting.

NWO Hollywood (The Republicans)

“Hollywood” Hulk Hogan = Donald Trump. The comparison here is just too striking to go any other way. Trump is the current heavyweight champ unlike that lightweight Marco Rubio, just like Hogan for most of his career. They both love the sun-bleached, ultra tan look. They both get around in the bedroom (although, Hogan is allegedly a heavier hitter, just ask anyone he’s leg dropped). Hogan was accused of flip-flopping for self gain, just like Trump during his presidential campaign. Finally, and most importantly, they both can transition from hero to heel at a moment’s notice, depending on what the situation calls for.

Bret Hart = Paul Ryan. Just like Bret Hart, Paul Ryan kind’ve fell into this group by circumstance. Reliable veterans who are a solid add to any roster, but at the same time just don’t really fit the mold of the crew. They try and keep their association at arm’s length, but when it comes time for a vote, or a royal rumble, they crack the whip and get the crew to fall in line.

Scott Steiner = Mitch McConnell. BIG. POPPA. PUMP. Mitch McConnel is the big swinging dick of this crew. The muscle. The intimidator. He knows every dirty play in the Senate handbook, and what does he do if you call him out on it? He flexes on you with his crew and puts the argument to bed, just like Steiner.

Dennis Rodman = Dennis Rodman. No real explanation needed. Dennis Rodman was actually a member of the NWO Hollywood faction, and he’s also a special delegate to North Korea for President Trump. He is literally part of NWO Hollywood and the current republican administration.

NWO Wolfpac

Kevin Nash = Joe Biden. Again, this comparison writes itself. Tall. Reliable. Sometimes boring. Looks good in aviator sunglasses. Joe Biden is “the Diesel” of the democratic party. He’s the elder statesman with a ride-or-die beef with Trump, but he’s a little less edgy and easier for the mainstream to connect with than his buddy Macho Man.

Randy Savage = Bernie Sanders. As mentioned above… Bernie, just like the Macho Man, aint for everyone. Out on the fringe of reality, these two men are often so enraged that their thoughts come erupting out of their balding heads like volcanoes of noise. Just like Savage and Hogan, Bernie holds a dislike for Trump so deep that he gets obsessed with attacking him personally and sometimes loses focus that a steel chair is being snuck into the other side of the ring.

Lex Luger = Elizabeth Warren. Studious, buttoned up, often aloof. Elizabeth Warren offers the clean-cut crowd exactly what their looking for, similar to Luger. This northeastern lawyer will put you into a torture rack of legal jargon and political correctness if you let her get those powerful mitts on you, so watch out.

Sting = Corey Booker. Sting may have actually retired and just become Corey Booker. Their go-to move in every situation is the long silent and intense stare. No words needed, the pain train is coming through.

You add in the writers, played in this case by billionaire election manipulators and the republican and democratic national committees, and you have yourself one of the most entertaining shitshows on planet earth. Pop your popcorn, cast your votes, and enjoy the show.

Seriously, register to vote and go vote.

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