The First Annual Creep Olympics

Warning: this is long one. If you don’t want to read lots of words, here’s an epic knockout compilation you can watch instead. But there’s a chance that some of you will make an appearance in this blog, so you might want to consider reading on. 

The last 24+ hours have been physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining for me. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. And most importantly, I’m disgusted. Disgusted with my fellow male brethren. But before I explain why, let me back up.

Since I originally wrote about the dangerous epidemic of public horniness on Twitter in August, the app has only gotten hornier. Ferociously hornier.

And Noah Centineo is still tweeting like a struggling Pacific Coast Academy AP Philosophy student.

This guy still has his entire tongue fully out of his mouth.

Two of my greatest enemies joined forces to create the worst photograph of 2018.

And I’ve received confirmation that the undercover Horny Tweeters™ who disguise themselves as chivalrous gentlemen, are, in fact, treacherously horny and creepy in real life.

“when he got too horny lolol”

I was confused and alarmed. Are the libidos of modern adult males skyrocketing at an alarming rate? Is global warming playing a factor? Have popular Twitter users like @ilovesmokingmid singlehandedly (and ironically) turned online horniness into a mainstream trend? Surely it has to be a facade for social media, right? It can’t be that bad behind the privacy of a one-on-one conversation.

The Origin of Textual Creepiness

As far back as the mid-1800s, young adult men were using “acquaintance cards” to send flirtatious messages to Victorian-era women in an attempt to score casual courtship — or blanket hornpipe — with them. The messages, while elegant, contained noticeably horny undertones that varied in creepiness. 

So now, hundreds of years later, in a “smart phone era” where text-based modes of communication have been the dominant means of human interaction for about a decade, one would imagine that males have significantly improved — evolved even — at the act of flirtation via text. 

On a Venn diagram, when barbaric levels of horniness intersect with the amplified sense of courage and confidence that comes from being behind a phone screen instead of face-to-face, the resulting middle section is vehemently cringeworthy and creepy conversations.

On Sunday afternoon, curiosity got the best of me. I wanted to entertain myself with some humorous examples (like the one above) of guys embarrassingly failing at trying to pursue women via text. I sent out a request for screenshots on Twitter, expecting to get a couple dozen that would distract me from boredom for about an hour.

I ended up getting hundreds of submissions through DMs and emails, and they’re still coming in rapidly. It’s gotten to the point where I physically cannot look at critically horny men conversing with women any longer. Not that I simply don’t want to — my eyes and brains have just started rejecting them.

The screen-capped conversations I received ranged from innocently creepy to “maybe illegal” to “definitely a felony.” I won’t be including the overly-vulgar submissions in this blog, but please understand, if you don’t already, that there are dudes out there who get a lot worse than what you’re about to see. Let me also make it crystal clear that I don’t condone this behavior in any way. Some of this shit is pathetic harassment and the majority of these guys are gigantic fucking losers.

A wide and diverse variety of creepy screenshots were flowing in from all kinds of people, and I learned that the sexual desperation of a man knows no limits or boundaries.

Male perpetrators were demonstrating unquenchable thirst during Family Feud games:

And in Yahtzee messages:

And of course, Words With Friends chats:

Subcategories: Angry Horny

After reviewing submissions, I came to realize that one of the most common subcategories of modern creeps is the type who become rabidly angry (yet still horny) after their creepy advances are rejected or ignored.

“I’m amazing and definitely your type.”

The “Obviously He’s From New Jersey” Award Winner

“every girl literally wants to give me head”

The “Douche of the Year” Award Winner

“Hey pretty girl, started my cut”

“I only train baddiesss”

“8s like you are the reason why my last 3 gfs were 10s”

“I teach my buddies to never go above a 6 or below a 9″ (???)

Spine-Chilling Creepy

“mmmmm … never mind not appropriate”

“GRRRR”

“Followed by  a snugglefuck”

“Anywho…you’re on my ceiling”

“Hmm

If I do?”

If a man uses the words “photographing your flesh” when requesting that you send him nudes, then he’s A) a creep to the highest degree regardless of his levels of intoxication, and B) fantasized about storing various parts of your body in his refrigerator.

“Hey soft boiled egg.”

Hey. Soft. Boiled. Egg.

“I wanna hold ur boob n calm you”

“How does that not tickle ur clit?”

“My dog’s hair cut”

“I’ll show you my abs and v line.”

“famous in my state for dming underage girls”

Imagine growing human life in your body for 9 months, going through the strenuous process of giving birth to a baby boy, and dedicating your life to raising him, only for him to grow up to be “famous” in an entire fucking state for direct messaging underage girls.

Sometimes the biggest heroes in our towns are also the horniest.

This is a scientifically-fascinating level of untamed sexual arousal displayed by this brave officer. He had a visibly-interested young lady texting him back enthusiastically, and instead of continuing to have a normal conversation with her and sealing the deal naturally, he decided to incriminate himself by showing her his uncontrollable desperation.

Every single person who’s ever uttered any variation of the words “I’m literally no threat to you what so ever!” has, in fact, been a major threat to someone.

“without seeming creepy”

We’ve all (well not me personally, I swear) lied about hooking up with a specific girl to impress our homies. But lying to that specific girl directly is a revolutionary tactic, which I’m sure only a lacrosse stud could pull off successfully.

This young man used the word “please” three times in one, individual text begging for fornication and mercy. My brain simply cannot fathom the levels of horniness and sexual desperation you’d have to reach before resorting to that strategy.

“They won’t right”

“Following up”

“Speak”

A “can I taste u” text sent before 2 p.m. should qualify as a misdemeanor in all 50 states.

Hey, thanks for the warnings!

The “I Genuinely Can’t Tell if These are Song Lyrics or Not” Award Winner

“Well bring his lil ass to”

“But yea I got hit by a truck”

2018 Creep of the Year (sorry in advance)

Coincidentally, the victim of the 2018 Creep of the Year’s year-long textual assault is a coworker of mine. Fortunately, she gets about 700 DMs a day and didn’t even know the majority of these messages existed until I confiscated her phone (for research purposes) and discovered them myself.

Side note: that has to be some type of crime, right?