MAJOR UPDATE: I Finally Had A New Year's Kiss And Here Is My Review

You may or may not remember but a little bit ago I wrote a dumb blog about how I’ve always wanted a New Year’s kiss but in 22 years on this planet have never had one. The blog was full of sweeping inaccuracies about the entire institutions of both New Years Eve and kissing. I imagined a perfect moment: stranger walks in, eyes meet, it’s clear you’re meant to be. The ball drops and you kiss and there’s fireworks in more ways than one.

Well, like most things in life, the fantasy and the reality didn’t exactly match up. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy myself or that he wasn’t a great dude, but as far as my Troy and Gabriella fantasy goes, it didn’t quite hit the mark.

Actually, the “stranger walks in, eyes meet” thing absolutely happened. I was at this apartment party and wasn’t really interested in any of the guys there. I had already resigned myself to the fact that I would not be kissing anybody at midnight for the 22nd consecutive year and planted next to the catered Chick-fil-A nuggets when in walks three attractive dudes. First guy, a little too tall for me. Second guy had potential (actually, my roommate ended up going home with him). Third guy I thought damn, this guy is really cute. We made eye contact and I smiled, but since he was the most attractive guy in the room, I figured there was no shot.

Anyways, I won’t bore you with the details of how I made this happen but let’s just say it’s a damn lucky thing I work at Barstool Sports. He asked me about the college playoffs and despite knowing negative zero percent what I was saying I pulled, probably word for word, something Kayce had said to me about Alabama and Clemson out of my ass and managed to steer the conversation from there into friendlier waters.

It’s one minute to midnight and we’re doing the thing I’ve seen friends and enemies doing year after year at exactly this time: hovering awkwardly near each other to ensure that midnight kiss. 3…2…1.. and we kiss. I don’t know. I was expecting fireworks, you know? That’s on me for wishing for a cinematic moment in a random apartment on 34th and 1st. It’s not anything on him, it’s more that a kiss is just a kiss and even guys I’ve had super strong feelings for I’ve felt little to nothing in terms of fireworks. The night took a super downward turn after this and ended up being absolutely disastrous but I will talk about that on the next episode of Schnitt Talk.

So in summation, turns out a New Year’s Kiss isn’t worth much more than something to do instead of awkwardly hugging all your friends when the ball drops. Don’t stress it ladies. It didn’t make my evening any more significant or magical than it’s been previous years. My official review? 7/10 for a good time but not super worth it.