#largetoo

The Golden Globes were on last night.

I started watching them because I find the Globes to be the booziest and therefore, the most entertaining of all the award shows.  The Oscars have become unwatchable and I forget what the other ones are, to be honest.

Anyhoo, Idris Elba and Taylor Swift were presenting the nominees for Best Song and sure enough, the winner was that main tune from A Star Is Born…  A movie I have never seen, and also don’t plan on seeing, but I have been told it is fantastic.  People seem equally bulled-up on Bradley Cooper’s ability to sing as they are with Lady Gaga’s ability to act, and I assume the reviews are all correct because Bradley and Gaga both strike me as very talented individuals.

So the winner is announced, and both Mark Ronson and Lady GaGa come up to the podium to accept their award.  Ronson was very complimentary of everyone involved with the process, and then he handed the mic over to Gaga who also seemed genuinely appreciative for the accolade.

Then she ended the speech with this inane sentiment (and I am paraphrasing)- “I am especially grateful for this award since women in the music industry don’t get taken seriously as neither singers nor songwriters.”

I just found this little jab at (I guess) men as a tad hypocritical…  Especially since Lady GaGa was standing next to Taylor Swift on that stage receiving her second Golden Globe, and the combined net-worth that they garnered from this sexist industry has to total somewhere close to a half of a billion dollars at least…  So I turned the channel and sent out a mean tweet expressing my dismay.

Maybe I am getting sensitive in my old age.  Or maybe I am just trying to fabricate shit to blog about.  But I just didn’t feel like getting a lesson in the wage gap from a woman who owns an island.  And I don’t need to hear about the plight of the fairer sex from a woman who has done a photo shoot with Terry Richardson long after he was accused of sexual misconduct, a music video with R Kelly long after he was accused of pissing on kids, and magazine covers in (I guess acceptable) black-face.

When I turned off the Globes, I popped on Netflix because I have been binge-watching an English crime drama called Broadchurch with the bride, and we plowed through the rest of Season 2.

When I checked Twitter before bed, I saw there were some mixed reactions to the tweet I sent earlier, and I also saw the results from the rest of the Golden Globes ceremony…  And (believe it or not) I found yet another thing to take umbrage with.

Before I tackle that, I have a question… Do you remember the controversy a few years back surrounding a Cameron Crowe movie called Aloha?

For those who don’t recall, people were up in arms because the main character was played by Emma Stone, even though that character was of Asian descent.  The argument was that there were plenty of capable Asian actresses available to play the part, and Emma’s casting and subsequent portrayal was a disrespectful caricature.  Various groups and publications said she “whitewashed” the character.

This type of outrage is not new.  There were similar complaints waaaaay back when Katharine Hepburn played Jade Tan in 1944’s Dragon Seed.

Also when John Wayne portrayed Mongolian emperor Genghis Khan in 1956’s The Conquerer.

People fucking HATED when Mickey Rooney infamously donned “yellowface” to portray Japanese character Mr. Yunioshi in 1961’s Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

And more recently, audiences balked when Jake Gyllenhaal took on the role of a Persian character in desperate need of sunscreen in Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time.

Each time, the argument surrounding these casting decisions was the same: Why cast a non-ethnic actor to play an ethnic role when there are so many capable ethnic actors looking for work?

So now look at this picture and tell me what you see?

I see an overweight, elderly, ugly, bald, American man with bad eyesight.

Now tell me what you see here…

This sonofabitch is thin, young, handsome, English, with seemingly perfect eyesight and a beautiful head of hair.

So how come nobody has a problem with Christian Bale playing the character of Dick Cheney?…  He won a fucking Golden Globe for it, apparently.

I’ll tell you why- Because Hollywood discriminates against people who look like me.

You don’t think that’s true?  Here’s another example, then.

Take a look at this handsome devil…

Fucking guy was stunning AND his hair was downright majestic.  And you know what those good looks landed him?

A bit role* in the movie Rudy.

Fast forward 30 years, and now look at that same guy…

And this old cocksucker can’t even get a guest spot on the Barstool Rundown.

You think that’s fucking fair?

Look at the Rundown hosts-  Dave is all bronze and groomed as if he just stepped out of a magazine, Kevin has hair that women write poems about, and Dan has an untamed sexuality that is reminiscent of a well-spoken spoken lumberjack.

And then they invite on guest-hosts, like the embarrassingly muscular, Feits.  The boyishly handsome Rob Fox.  Francis, with his mix of form and function, whatever that means (I’m running out of adjectives).

But you see what I mean.

Does Glenny get a sniff at the Rundown?…  No.

How about Clem?…  Uh-uh.

Rear Admiral?…  I don’t believe so.

Jerry Thornton?…  No way.

Or maybe they all have had a shot (I haven’t been paying attention).  But you know who definitely hasn’t?

Old, bald, fat, glasses-wearing Large…  That’s who.

Is this enough for me to sue Barstool for discrimination?  My attorney says, “Not yet.”  But it proves a point- The old, fat, bald, ugly, glasses-wearing American male has certainly not had the trials and tribulations that other distinctions have had, but we have had a tough row to hoe, nonetheless.

So to see a guy like Christian Bale get the nod to play one of ours when the guy who played The Commish is at home, waiting by the phone, is discriminatory in the same way Elizabeth Taylor should’ve never have played the Egyptian queen in 1963’s Cleopatra.

As a matter of fact, Bale playing that role is actually poking fun at my plight.  Many of you won’t understand this because you do not “identify” with Dick Cheney like I do, but Bale’s portrayal, for me and people of my ilk, is like a modern day blackface.

And if you think this is a one-off, then I invite you to look back as recently as last year’s Golden Globe winner.

What do you see when you see this man?

Now, how about him?

And nobody batted a fucking eye.

So if you’re like me.  More specifically, if you are a white guy who struggles with his weight. Your eyesight has gotten to the point where you need to wear glasses when you use a urinal.  Maybe there is more hair on your back than there is on your head.

If you identify with any of these things, then join me in my movement to boycott movies like Vice until we see the Hollywood roles that resemble us BACK in the hands of Hollywood actors that resemble us (continue watching Rundown, though).

I am not sure what hashtags are still available, so I’ll start with #largetoo until someone sues me.

Take a report.

-Large

*I was in Rudy for 3 seconds