Somebody Inside Barstool Insulted My Girlfriend And Now It's War

So last night I got home from a faaaabulous dinner party and was living on cloud 9. I don’t care what anybody says, gay men in NYC host the best parties. No matter how shitty I feel about myself when I get there, I leave feeling like Lady Gaga just walked off stage after winning a Grammy. It’s amazing. No matter what story I tell them, they insist that I should always walk with a “sparkle in my step and tight leather on my legs” because “an orgasm can be attained literally anywhere”… but I digress.

I got home, crawled in bed with my phone (how romantic), got on Twitter and saw this monstrosity:

Oh, hell no.

I have some thoughts. First of all,  this wasn’t an awkward open for Laura. I’ve seen her bloopers. Trust me.

Second of all, I’m not happy with whoever did this. I don’t care that she’s employed by ESPN. We are NEVER fighting with her. Not on my watch. Doesn’t this peasant person know that Laura Rutledge is A) my best friend (I guess I’ve never mentioned it???) and B) the QUEEN.

I don’t know who in our social team did it, but I can tell you right now that they are my new enemy. Not ‘people who don’t know anything talking shit about Dave as a person’ kind of enemy, but close. I can call her awkward. You can’t.

I can’t wait to go into work and find out who thought it was ok to insult her. I will forever hold it against them. I hope they’re not on the CFB show. I hope that they don’t work with CCK. I hope for them that Francis doesn’t hate them too, because that grudgement team is what nightmares are made of. You want beef, we got it. Strap the fuck in.

Word to the wise: Eminem recently dropped some heat on Nicki’s Majesty that’s worth a listen…

“Two things shouldn’t be your themes of discussion:… the queen and her husband. Last thing you’re gonna wanna be is our subjects.”

Pretend that doesn’t say that my husband and instead says Bae and LFG.

PS – Laura, our reservation is at 7 on tonight. I’ll have the tea.