I'm Attempting To Harness The Powers Of The KFC Mush And Purchase Patriots Insurance To Hopefully Make Them Lose The Super Bowl
Reader Email
Hey KFC,
As a fellow Patriots hater, I listen to you every year and either delight with you in a pats loss or sulk along with you after they win another SB.
Eventually I got tired of getting nothing out of this horrible run of success for them. That is until 2016 when I was in Vegas and put $100 on the Patriots to win the Super Bowl. At the time they were 15/2 odds to win. The reasoning was simple. If they lose, then I jinxed them into losing by betting on them. If they win, at least I can absorb the blow by cashing in on their win.
As you know, they ended up winning that year in the 28-3 game against the Falcons. Without the prospect of winning money that day, I probably would have jumped out of the 16th floor apartment I was watching the game at. Instead, I was mad they won but at least I profited $750.
I have done the same thing every year since and it definitely helps me through this national nightmare of Tom Brady’s career. So might I suggest, instead of complaining to Feits and Portnoy, roll down to Atlantic City, put $500 on the Patriots money line, and look at it like insurance policy against another cold winter of Brady kissing the Lombardi trophy.
Sincerely,
Insuring My Own Misery
Purchasing insurance as a Mets/Jets/Knicks fan is something I’ve thought about and heard about my entire life. Being a fan of losing franchises inexorably connected to the Yankees, Patriots, and even to a lesser extent the Giants, means that not only are you miserable because you’re always losing but you’re double miz because your least favorite teams are always winning. I mean ALWAYS winning. The 90s was filled with Yankees dominance, and since 2000 the Patriots have owned football, and the couple times they didnt, the Giants plugged the hole. So my entire life, come October or February, I am left with absolutely NOTHING. Just an empty void of misery while one of my quote unquote fucking rivals has another parade.
And obviously thats where the idea of these insurance bets come into play. People have always told me I should just bet on the Patriots and that way I at least have some money in my pocket to offset the misery. My guy Patrick here who emailed me does just that. The last couple years he’s walking home with several hundred dollars, or, even better in the case with Philly, the happiness of a Pats Super Bowl loss. You’ll gladly give up a few hundred bucks to walk out of your Super Bowl party knowing Dave and Feits and Brady and Belichick and everyone in Pats nation are miserable. I’ve thought about doing this but never pulled the trigger. Two reasons 1) The one vice I dont have is gambling and I’ve just avoided all of it. and 2) I couldnt bring myself to ever align with New England. Even for money. I never draft any Patriots players if I play fantasy and I never bet on them because I do not want to root for them. But theres always been this one theory in the back of my brain that I cant ignore. The notion that gambling on the Patriots is a way to perhaps harness my mush and utilize it to my advantage. People have always said “Why dont you just root for the Pats! Then your mush will work and the Sports Gods will have the Pats lose. But thats NOT how it works. You cant fake it. The universe knows if youre faking it and trying to exploit a loophole. *Stephen A Smith Voice* Howeva – if I put enough money down on the Patriots, then in my own heart, my priority would shift from the Patriots losing to me losing all my money if I lost the bet. And karma, in its never ending quest to fuck me over, would know to make sure the other team wins. You can laugh about me believe in this superstitious stuff, but if you look at how poorly my life as a sports fan has gone, and how well its gone for my arch enemies, you have to admit that theres at least a CHANCE the KFC Mush is real.
And all I need is a CHANCE. Now the problem has always been that I need to put enough money down to make it a sizable bet and, like I said before, i dont have the gambling itch so I have never been comfortable putting down a large enough bet to move the needle. But, theres a lot of us Pats Haters out there. Its not something I have to do alone. So, we’re gonna crowd source this shit. We are gonna Group Mush GoFundMe. If you’re a fellow Pats hater and you want to attempt to sway the universe using your money and my eternal bad luck, I’m presenting you with a very very unique opportunity. My Venmo is open right now, kevin-clancy-7. You can send me as much as you want – from a dollar on up. After talking about it on radio I have accumulated $732.43 in Mush Donations. I’m gonna match up to $1000. We can continue to amass as much as people are willing to go above $1000. We’ll place one big bet on the Patriots to win. And I will have enough skin in the game (trust me, $1000 is a big fucking deal to me right now) that the Sports Gods are gonna have to take a long hard look at this game. They are gonna be debating whether or not a Rams win or a Pats win will cause me more harm. Theres no way we can FULLY harness the Mush, but we can at least point it in the right direction. If the Patriots overcome the Black Magic and still win, I will take the winnings and donate to charity. But hopefully we arent worried about what to do with winnings. Hopefully we’ve all lost our money (you, one dollar, me a grand) and we’re celebrating the most improbable Super Bowl win since the last Super Bowl when the Eagles pulled off a miracle.
I’ve watched too many Pats Super Bowls to simply do what I always do. To just sit there and hate tweet and know that no matter how much the opposing team does, that when it comes to crunch time the Pats will just do what they do. I cant just sit around and do that for a fucking EIGHTH time. So we are gonna try this Group Mush GoFundMe. Venmo me a dollar (or whatever you want) and I’ll place the bet. To be explicitly clear, you are not getting this money back. I’m taking your money and gambling it. If the bet hits, it goes to charity. If we lose, your money is gone but your heart is full. Its either lose and celebrate the Rams win, or donate money to charity. If you’re down, the Venmo is open:
kevin-clancy-7
PS – I realize this is something that people are going to say is stupid and stealing and all this other shit if you dont like me. Its something fun for content, something to spice up a miserable 3rd straight Patriots Super Bowl for Patriots haters, something all the Pats haters stoolies can do together, and might result in some money going to charity. If you dont like they idea, dont send any money. For the 700 people who have already jumped on board and the hundreds more who are going to, its just a fun Super Bowl prop so lets not turn this into something its not.