The Mystery Of Kirpa's Chin Has Been Solved!: The Bachelor Recap Week 5

Welcome to Thailand and Week 5 of The Bachelor. So much happened last night and yet the episode seemed to drag on a little too much. Demi dominated last week and this week’s episode really revolved around a feud that absolutely no one cares about. Onyeka and Nicole were probably set to go home around this time anyway so it looks like they’re headed out with a bang.

Before we dive into this episode I want to discuss Kirpa’s chin. I probably got the most tweets about the bandage Kirpa had on her chin for most of the episode. It was on, off, on, off all episode long and if I had to take a guess I would say she just had a super bad pimple. However the real story was revealed here.

Kirpa took a tumble trying to take a selfie. Classic. Slipped on a rock and had to get 5 stitches in her chin. Poor girl. She is so cute and is getting negative air time but maybe she could make the cut for Paradise.

One on One Date:

Heather finally got her time to shine and it was easily the most awkward one on one date this show has ever seen. The entire time “Kiss The Girl” from The Little Mermaid was playing in my head.

I literally started chanting “KISS HER!!!” alone on my couch. Heather opened up to Colton and tells him that she has had boyfriends before…and she dated someone for 8 MONTHS. 8. MONTHS. With no kiss. It makes absolutely no sense. I have a feeling Heather thought she was dating someone when in reality she just had a really good guy friend. Friend Zone, Population: Heather.

They made their way to the beach, it’s romantic, Colton’s pointing out rocks, the producers are in their headsets like, “We need this goddamn kiss to happen get the fireworks ready. They can’t resist the fireworks.” Then the magic happens.

After years of zooming in on awkward kissing, we don’t really get the money shot from ABC here. I wanted to put this kiss under the microscope.  I mean we’ve seen saliva before on this show. The fireworks drown out any awkward noises (thank god for Heather) and now she gets to have her first kiss taped to remember forever. As far as first kisses go, this is probably as good as it is going to get. It seemed like Heather is a pretty decent kisser, or at least she had some idea what she was doing. FirstKissGate? Maybe Colton is just such a good teacher! If you want a trip down memory lane there are some true GEMS in this video.

Colton: “I’m on a high and I don’t think there is anything that could ruin it.”

Elyse: “Hold my beer.”

Clearly Elyse is just not cut out for this show. Heather comes back with her rose and Elyse is visibly distraught and throwing shade.

When you’re jealous of a girl who just had her FIRST KISS EVER you know there is something wrong. Elyse put on her best wedding dress, made sure her hair and makeup was flawless, and ventured out to find Colton to break up with him. Every season there is a girl who can’t seem to fathom the concept of the show after being on for a few weeks, and packs her bags.

Elyse was in full panic mode. I almost think for a split second she thought Colton would quit the show and run away with her? I think she actually really liked Colton but none of us (besides those who have done it) understand the mental toll it takes to be on this show. Obviously it was too much for her, and that’s okay. I still love you, Elyse. Please tell me where you got this dress. Maybe she comes back and begs for forgiveness to get back on the show??? It’s happened before.

Elyse left and Colton grabbed his camera and hit the vlog. The vlog never sleeps. This may be my favorite addition to this show. Just sad, puffy eyed Colton having to record himself talk about how sad he is.

Group Date:

The girls have their cargo pants on and they’re headed into the jungles of Thailand to hang with Jungle Joe. Do we think cargo pants are on the list of things to pack? It would be the absolute last thing I would ever think about packing in my bag for this show. Another group date where the girls have to eat and touch weird shit. Why are there so many bugs on this season??? Why??

There were a lot of Disney movie references this week. Well done ABC.

They split them into groups to compete to see who would survive in the jungle (I think this was the concept of the group date honestly I was half listening it was so boring). Katie and Nicole were sweating their asses off while Tayshia went in for the Colton kill and their faces watching Tayshia and Colton kiss was priceless.

Demi grabbed Hannah B. and Hannah G. and instead of searching for worms they went back into town for a drink. I respect the move. Demi was like, “I’m not on Colton’s team so fuck another weird group date I want a burger.”

The night portion of the group date is where the Onyeka and Nicole drama started up. Onyeka felt like it was her duty and Elyse’s dying wish to get the message to Colton that Nicole was there for the wrong reasons. Onyeka went to Colton and told him that Nicole had a conversation with Elyse where Nicole told her she was just on the show to “leave Miami” and not actually for love. Wtf is wrong with Miami? Was that supposed to be some kind of code?

Colton talked to Nicole and she denied every saying that. Meanwhile, Onyeka explained to the girls why she went to Colton to rat on Nicole for no good reason. Tayshia comes through with a TRUTH BOMB and says, “Well this is awkward I was there for that conversation and that’s not what happened.” Love to see Tayshia do the right thing and stand up to Nicole. Instead of Onyeka going to Nicole and asking her what happened, she went straight to Colton which just made shit hit the fan. Onyeka just completely contradicts herself with everything she says. Everything. “I’m not spreading rumors I just told Colton what I heard.” THAT’S A RUMOR! It is beyond frustrating. She also cry shamed Nicole. Everyone cries, Onyeka. Some more than others and THAT IS OKAY. Put the martini glass down.

Hannah B. got the group date rose because she told Colton she was falling in love with him. Hannah B. takes the prize as girl #1 to drop the L word!

Second One on One Date:

Cassie and Colton just has a nice ring to it. I received a reply on Twitter saying that Cassie has participated in other dating reality shows so I did a quick search and found out she has filmed two seasons of a show called ‘Young Once’ with an ex-boyfriend that documents her life coming from a very strict, traditional background. At first I thought this could be a little shady, maybe Cassie is just here for the fame, but then I remembered every girl who signs up for this show now is there for the fame. Finding love is an added bonus at this point. Cassie kind of seems to touch on her past with Colton when she makes the big reveal that she is……..NOT a virgin! It seems like she comes from a family that has frowned upon that and that makes me sad for her. Have sex if you want to, Cass. On the plus side, your family will love virgin Colton.

These two were also all over each other. The entire date was on a private island and they were just making out and touching the whole time. I can comfirm Cassie made Colton forget about that fortune teller in Singapore who told them they were brother and sister in a past life. Spending time in the ocean is also smart because no mics. Maybe sneak in a couple private conversations in there.

Unreal amount of kissing on this date. Bravo, guys. Colton also told Cassie he is crazy about her, which in Bachelor world, is as good as it gets.

Rose Ceremony:

Tayshia continued to crush this episode and took Colton to light one of those cool lanterns where you make a wish and then let it go into the sky.

That is now three (3) Disney animated movie references.

This was a pretty low key episode for Demi. She gave Colton “trust rings” at the rose ceremony, which is definitely a little bit of a weird move when Colton is still dating like 12 other girls.

Onyeka and Nicole kept going at it. Nicole told Colton that Onyeka was a bully and called her emotionally unstable. Which we can see word for word here. Poor Nicole. Clearly when she gets upset her accent comes out a little bit and Colton turns into Culltin.

Onyeka literally said to Nicole’s face that she had talked to the other girls about Nicole’s emotional stability. This turned into an argument over emotional vs mental. Onyeka doesn’t seem to understand that those two things can have very similar meanings. Here is where the confusion happened because it seemed like Nicole used the phrase “emotionally unstable” when talking to Colton but Colton said mentally when talking to Onyeka. Therefore Onyeka decided to go nuclear on Nicole.

Onyeka: “I’m not a bully but Nicole is a psycho and now I’m going to go call her a fucking liar to her face.”

They’re both toast. Colton couldn’t have a conversation with Katie because they could hear Onyeka and Nicole fight about what was said to Culltin. He tried to listen to their conversation and just couldn’t do it and had to get up and go for a walk. He wanted nothing to do with either them. It is very clear that both of these girls are packing their bags, but of course, to create suspense…we have to wait to watch that happen next week.

Final thoughts:

There was entirely too much air time for girls who are clearly not making it much further. I need more Hannah G. I need more Caelynn. Heck, I’ll take more Demi over Nicole and Onyeka drama!

I started this blog with Kirpa so I will end it there. She rarely gets any air time which is why I thought the bonus deleted scene was really cute because it showed a little bit more of her personality. Especially since the actual show is only airing moments like this.

Kirpa, I understand you are a dental hygienist, but please, keep your fingers out of Colton’s mouth.

Also don’t want to get anyone too excited but…..FENCE JUMPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!

See you next week!