Amazon Officially Cancels Plans To Open HQ2 In New York City

CUNCEL DA BEZOS!!! What a wonderful day for New York City! I guess? I don’t know. Whenever I heard about Amazon HQ2 in Queens from New Yorkers, I heard about all the tax breaks they were fucking the city with as well as unfair perks and destruction of the “quaint charm” of Long Island City. Granted, many of the people that I saw making those statements could be described as “dickhead hipsters” and as someone that spent five wonderful years in Astoria, I don’t know if I shared that opinion of LIC. But whatever, the angry mob got what they wanted and prevented Amazon from planting its flag in Queens, which would have no doubt led to plenty of annoying construction, suffocating traffic on top of the already suffocating traffic on the roads and subways, as well as a wild influx of people in a city that is already an overcrowded, filthy pile of humanity.

However, as someone that admittedly doesn’t have to deal with any of the shit up here in Winterfell, I am bummed for a few reasons.

1.Being able to get packages at Prime speeds while not paying for Prime simply because an HQ2 would have likely led to more delivery spots is a bummer.

2. There is now officially NO way Jeff Bezos will ever buy the Knicks and save us from James Dolan as a way to boost his popularity rating roughly a billion points. In fact, Bezos may invest a few billion towards creating a real life Fountain of Youth just so James Dolan can live forever while also buying as much MSG stock as possible to ensure Dolan always has a big ally in the stockholders meetings

3 and most importantly. An angry Bezos is a dangerous Bezos. If you piss off your typical big name millionaire or billionaire, you may get clown shirts printed with your likeness on it, be on the receiving end of some very angrily worded tweets directed toward you from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, or have the best hitmen in the world sic’d on your ass. However, if/when Jeff Bezos takes over the world, New York has now went from being potentially becoming the capital of Bezosland to an enemy of the state. It’s the National Enquirer, Wal-Mart, and New York on Bezos’ hit list. And while I have lived here my whole life and love my local sports teams, I would renounce this overpriced freezing dump and burn a New York state flag tomorrow while bending the knee if that’s what it meant to be spared when Bezos is finally ready to weaponize his fortune and become the real life Lex Luthor.

Hail Hydra Bezos!

P.S. Thoughts and prayers to the sorry sons of bitches that spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to buy a shoebox apartment in Long Island City where you can hear the screeching of the N/W train as it whips around that turn before Queensborough Plaza every 15 minutes but is also walking distance to an HQ that doesn’t exist.