Ranking The Names Of The 9 Arrested LSU Frat Bros In Terms Of Fratiness

Stop me if you heard this story before: extreme hazing at an SEC school frat leads to arrest. This time it was down by the bayou in Baton Rogue:

SOURCE-Louisiana State University announced the arrests Thursday of nine fraternity members for hazing-related crimes that included ordering pledges to lie in piles of broken glass, kicking pledges with steel-toed boots and urinating on them.

Not only did the those arrested look just as you expected, but their names were even more predictable. The only thing missing was a Brad. To do a little reverse hazing of these fellas, lets rank these guys names in order of fratiness:

9.  Charles: If this guy goes just by Charlie, it isn’t that frat. Now, if he demands to be called Charles? That moves him up the rankings a little bit. His middle name being Eugene increases the fratiness.

8. Joe: Very similar to Charles.

7. Alexander: Again, if you go by Alexander, you are a big frat douche and go up the rankings. Just by Alex? Bottom third.

6. Malcolm

5. Shakti: Such an absurd name that it somehow makes sense that he’s a part of this crew.

T-3/T-3. Garrett/Gaston: If your name sounds like you are a backup QB in the SEC East, you are most likely in a frat.

2. Blake: Brad/Chad has gotten too mainstream. I think our accounts like 5th year should start calling Frat stars Blake.

1. Cade: Hahahahahahahahahahaha Cade. To make things better his name is Cade Duckworth:

SOURCE-Pledges said fraternity member Cade Duckworth forced them to strip and go into an ice machine for 45 minutes. Pledges said they did not attempt to get out because they were afraid of being beaten up. Pledges were frequently punched and attacked by members and displayed visible injuries.

That’s certainly one way to haze your pledges.

Pledges of the Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity at LSU described to LSUPD investigators several hazing incidents including being urinated on, forced to lay on broken glass and having gasoline poured on them.

Ahhhh, imagine a golden shower from Gaston? Fuck that shit, I’m rushing another fraternity.

McNiece also made pledges play “Edward 40 hands,” where pledges had 40-ounce bottles of beer taped to their hands and were forced to finish the beers in order to have them removed.

Edward 40 Hands? Classic.

The men arrested, ranging from ages 19 to 23, were members of Delta Kappa Epsilon.

I’d hate to be hazed by a 23-year-old 5th year. Cade Duckworth is definitely a 5th year that takes all his anger about his relationship with his dad through hazing.