Fences Were Jumped And Colton's Heart Was Broken: The Bachelor Fantasy Suites Recap

Wow. Colton’s season has truly not disappointed. Last night’s episode of The Bachelor will go into the show’s Hall of Fame. One of the best episodes ever all due to Colton getting his heart smashed into a billion pieces.

Let’s start with Tayshia’s date that seems extremely irrelevant and insignificant now.

Colton and his three ladies are in Algarve, Portugal and Tayshia and Colton start off what we thought would be magical fantasy suite dates with a helicopter ride along the coast. There was no lack of virgin jokes. The editing for this date was top notch. When Colton and Tayshia were sitting on the cliff together the producers just cut the music and let the awkward conversation ride. Just virgin joke, after virgin joke, after virgin joke.

Tayshia brought her A game to the fantasy suite date. We are not talking enough about how gorgeous this girl is.

They were even talking about potential nip slips at the table. Tayshia went into more detail about her past with her ex. Her ex husband was the first person she had sex with but about a year and half into their marriage he cheated on her. Colton told Tayshia that if she was the one at the end of this whole shindig that he would never do that to her.

She accepted the fantasy suite and they headed off to make some magic. Or as Colton says have a caring, loving, tender moment. Even more top notch editing from the producers.

Birds and the bees shot right in the morning?!? This episode deserves a Pulitzer.

Another moment where I have to mention how gorg Tayshia is. Normally after the fantasy suite they cut to the morning and we’re like, “wow classic that girl has all her makeup on.” Nope, not Tayshia! A natural beauty. Sorry if this is creepy @Tayshia I feel like I’m starting to hit on you but I just don’t care!

However…Tayshia admitted that the date did not get as physical as she wanted. No sex.

Is Colton Still A Virgin?: Yes.

Cassie’s date started out innocent enough. They were exploring Portugal, making out, looking into each others eyes, and Colton could not stop talking about his feelings for Cassie. He made it crystal clear that she is the one for him. BUT he told Cassie that her dad did not give his blessing to marry her when he asked at hometowns. This rattled Cassie to her core. You could literally see her brain moving as she tried to explain to herself wtf was going on. She looked like a lost puppy.

And then the producers just did Colton as dirty as they could. We’re talking Becca and Arie level. They KNEW Colton wanted Cassie at the end. They KNEW Cassie was conflicted, confused, and worried about her families’ opinions. So what did they do? FLEW HER DAD TO PORTUGAL.

Cassie’s dad went into that room and basically played dad voodoo mind tricks. We’ve all been there before. Cassie is clearly very reliant on her family and takes their opinion to heart. He made it extremely clear that if she is unsure then that is a problem. He compared their relationship to his with Cassie’s mom and made it sound like they knew right away that they were meant to be together. Hey Mister Cassie’s Dad, every relationship is different. Maybe Cassie and Colton are just moving at a different pace because they’re on a TV show? Just a thought. They left the damn easter egg right there in her bio. “The one thing she wouldn’t do for love is turn her back on her family.” Those BASTARDS.

Cassie was the most confused she has been all show while Colton was professing his undying love for her. It was tragic and it was only getting worse. Cassie got all dolled up to go break Colton’s heart.

Hoooolyyyy shit. That stare into the camera??! Deadly. Colton was BEGGING for Cassie to stay. It could not have been more clear. He also was trying to tell her that they don’t have to be engaged at the end of the show, he just wants it to be her at the end of it. He ended the damn show right then and there!!! There is NO shot he can end up with either of the girls left because obviously his feelings are no where near his feelings for Cassie. If we dive into The Bachelor history book, yes, there was the time Brooks broke Desiree’s heart into a billion pieces and she ended up with Chris and they have lived happily ever after. I just don’t see that happening in this scenario. Colton was physically shaking at the thought of losing Cassie. His entire body. I normally watch the episode again as I write this recap and I can’t watch this moment with Cassie and Colton again. It was heartbreaking.

Just a quick reminder that Tayshia and Hannah G. are both watching this for the first time. That has got to be ROUGH. They thought they had a legitimate chance with Colton at the time but I’m sure they feel like big idiots after watching Colton break down like that.

Cassie couldn’t make up her damn mind and she was so frazzled that she STILL sent herself home after Colton basically ended the show to be with her. Dagger. To. The. Heart. Cassie got into that SUV and Colton started looking for fences.

And we finally got the moment we were all waiting for……

FENCE JUMP!!!!!!! This was unbelievably athletic from Colton. Every time I watch its incredible to me he just jumped that thing like it was nothing. Very sexy.

Oh, Chris. It is so okay. Give me the uncensored version ASAP.

Colton vanished into the unknowns of Portugal. Chris was whistling for him like he was a lost dog. “Hereeee Colton Colton Colton!!! Heree boy!!!!”

TWO expletives, Chris?!?!

And folks, we were hit with the worst to be continued this show has ever seen.

My thoughts on Cassie:

Cassie is 23 years old. It has been ABUNDANTLY clear that she doesn’t make a decision without consulting her family. Were alllll the other girls right who warned Colton about Cassie? Yes, they were. Would it have really made a difference? It’s hard to tell because obviously Colton’s feelings for Cassie were extremely strong and who knows if he would have had the same feelings for one of the girls he sent home earlier in the season. Cassie probably went on the show for exposure/getting her name out there/getting influencer status. Pretty sure that is AT LEAST 50% why all these girls go on this show these days. Yeah, this kind of sucks but thats just the name of the game now. Fame, then love. Let’s be real guys, no one is going on this show for JUST love anymore. After 8 weeks Cassie found herself in a situation where Colton was actually in love with her and she had no fricken idea what she was doing. Does she have feelings for Colton? Yeah, I’m sure she does. They very clearly had a connection. She went full panic mode. Colton did not deserve that AT ALL. As he had said all season long, his worst fear was that the woman he loved would not be ready to commit and that is exactly what happened. I just wanted to give Colton a big hug.

Yeah, this is probably true. Makes her look SUPER shitty for breaking up with Colton during fantasy suites. There was a stiffness and awkwardness with her during that conversation with Colton that made it seem like she was trying to come up with any excuse to get out of there. The words were just not coming out of her mouth.

Colton just straight up told the world he wanted it to be Cassie at the end so I’m not really sure where we go from here for next week. It’s another Mon/Tues double header and I’m sure we will have at least an hour of Colton just having no idea what to do. The real story will be the After The Final Rose. I just can’t see Colton PROPOSING to either Tayshia or Hannah G. Hell, the virgin didn’t even want to have sex with Tayshia (in case you forgot), and Hannah G. might as well not exist at this point. In the promo for next week we saw Colton bawling his eyes out saying he’s scared. Me too, Colt, me too. I feel like Colton and I are close enough now I can start calling him Colt. I heard Chris Harrison do it and it just sounded right.

Gird your loins everyone, The Women Tell All will be 2 hours of these women screaming and threatening each other. Just from the teaser of Onyeka saying “Thank you, next” I wanted to die.