Could The Sixers Beat Up The Ninja Turtles?
Since the arrival of Jimmy Butler, the Philadelphia 76ers men’s basketball team have become an elite headband wearing squad. And the headband performance this team put on last night? Well it was nothing short of exceptional. We had ninja headbands all over the floor at the Wells Fargo Center. The performance was so dominant, in fact, that I’m now wondering if the Sixers would have what it takes to defeat the greatest ninja group ever assembled in the history of time–the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Now it’s a tall order, no doubt. Trying to defeat the TMNT in a battle would be like trying to sweep the Warriors in the Finals. But if there’s any team that is capable of doing both? Well it would have to be the Sixers. I mean just look at how well they match up against the Ninja Turtles.
Ben Simmons v Leonardo
For some reason, Ben decided to opt out of wearing a headband last night. And I also don’t believe that he’s rocked one of the ninja headbands yet this season. Maybe he’s saving that one for the playoffs. But either way–both of these guys tend to run point for their respective squads. They are tactical. They are students of the game. And I’m also pretty sure that neither of them have ever hit a 3 in an NBA game before.
This matchup is pretty much a wash.
Joel Embiid v Michelangelo
The lovable goofball of each squad. They also both tend to be the fan favorites. I mean if you didn’t love Michelangelo, then you can get the h*ck out of here. But I’m pretty sure those people do not exist. But while both of these guys may be a little…more free-spirited and clownish at times, they both still come to work every day to do their job and kick some ass. The TMNT go nowhere without Michelangelo. The Sixers go nowhere without Joel Embiid.
Advantage in this one has to go to JoJo.
Jimmy Butler v Raphael
The bad boys of their respective squads. They don’t give a shit about what anybody else things of them. Sure, they both might be a little extra aggressive than they need to be at times. But they both have that killer instinct when their teams need it the most.
Again, this one is a wash until we see what Jimmy Butler can do in the playoffs.
TJ McConnell v Donatello
I really hate to compare anybody to Donatello since he’s such a fucking nerd and everything. But if there’s one player on this team that represents the “softer” side of the Sixers, it’s TJ McConnell, even if he’s not a part of the headband brotherhood yet. Neither of these guys are necessarily trying to kick the shit out of their opponents. They care more about their own boys than they do beating up the bad guys. Don’t get me wrong–when push comes to shove, each of these guys will go to war for their team. But they’re mostly just happy to be there.
I’ll give TJ the advantage here.
Brett Brown v Splinter
This one really comes down to who you’re talking to and whether or not it’s after a Sixers win or loss. Either way, the team loves Brett Brown and he can definitely be viewed as a father-like figure to a lot of these guys the same way that Splinter was to the Turtles. With that being said, I don’t think that sports talk radio callers in the sewers of NYC were ever demanding that Splinter be fired after every Ninja Turtles loss. So in that regard, I’ll give Splinter the advantage here over Brett Brown.
But there you have it. It’s a pretty dang even matchup between the Sixers and the Ninja Turtles, but I think you could make a strong argument that the Sixers are the better team on paper. Obviously it comes down to execution and whether the fight takes place in the sewers or at the Wells Fargo Center. But in a 7 game series? Give me the Sixers.
P.S. – If we don’t see Boban wearing a ninja headband in the playoffs then the Process was a failure.