Drinking From A New Hose Is The Best Way To Consume Water

There’s lots of water talk around the office and I’m not a part of it because I live in Texas so I wanted to give my quick thoughts on water consumption.

Hose, bitch. That’s the way to fucking do it. If you want to drink the perfect sip of water, you need to head on down to Lowes or Home Depot (whichever one is currently sponsoring Podfathers) and grab a 25-foot hose. Ideally, the first time you do this it will be BEFORE April 15th. If you complete this plan before April 15th, you will get a nice, cool-to-cold sip of the most rubbery water you’ve ever had. Delicious!

I love the taste of rubber and please don’t start saying that’s because, and I’m quoting here, “it reminds you of having a condom in your mouth.” That’s not the case. I love the taste of a rubbery hose because it reminds me of baseball season. It reminds me of summer. It reminds me of a long bike ride through the woods of coastal Maryland while my father laid drunkenly on the rock shore of the Potomac while the fish nibbled at our lines.

I love the taste of a rubber hose because it reminds me that the simplest things in life are simple. You don’t get that from a water bottle. All you get from a water bottle is years worth of pollution and hydration that usually doesn’t include the proper level of fluoride to ensure tooth and gum health.

If I had it my way, Barstool Headquarters would begin handing out 10-foot hoses to every employee. You wanna drink? Turn the handle and suck it down your gullet, you city dwellers. Otherwise, twist off another cap and leave the styrofoam at Dunkin to keep the coffee warm.

Or use one of the lovely orca tumblers in the store. They are wonderful!