Man Killed By His Own Bird, A Bird That Cannot Fly

SBS News- A cassowary has attacked and killed its 75-year-old owner after the man fell over on his property in Florida.

The victim was apparently breeding the birds, state wildlife officials said.

“My understanding is that the gentleman was in the vicinity of the bird and at some point fell. When he fell, he was attacked,” Deputy Chief Jeff Taylor told the newspaper.

Cassowaries are large, flightless birds that are native to Australia and New Guinea. They are similar to emus, standing up to 1.8 metres tall and growing to up to 60 kilograms with black body feathers and bright blue heads and necks.

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Easy take: this guy was killed by a bird. A bird… that cannot fly. Not an eagle or a vulture or some species where all the women at the funeral would be sad because they can’t give poor Marvin Hajos, who fended off a flock of condors, the pipe. A flightless Cassowary. Buddy… climb a tree. Or a jungle jim. You’re in Florida, they’re everywhere. At worst, take some stairs. Buy time. Phone a friend with a gun. That’s your easy take.

But in golf, there’s the Jim Furyk line and there’s the Tiger line. As ever, I’ll take the Tiger line.

TL: this bird is not to be fucked with. Do not fall down around this “bird.” For it is not so much a bird as it is a dinosaur. And not a pterodactyl, either; a full-blown Velociraptor. Check out the foot. Ready?

The fuck is that?!?! You’re joking. That’s not the foot of a goddamn bird. Look at the armor. Look at the leather toes. And if that doesn’t sell you, how about the 2-foot talons that will “disembowel a man” simply because he underserved the bird seed? That looks like the hand of a witch with a taste for children. I’m not one to root for extinction but if the last Cassowary were to tumble off a cliff tomorrow, I doubt there would be a march or a even a t-shirt made. Hell, the only person who apparently liked these monsters was, obviously, murdered by one this weekend.

They say “don’t bite the hand that feeds you.” But Cassowaries have no reason to heed that stupid bullshit because they can disembody and snack on the hand that feeds them. Yeeeeesh. Have a day, bird.