Eulogy For A Stranger

Good morning, everyone.

I am not sure many people will read this, but I felt the need to write it nonetheless.

I get a fair amount of DMs on Twitter.  The bulk of those messages are people either asking for restaurant recommendations, career advice, or that handful of helpful and healthy followers who are relentlessly trying to get me into either ketosis and/or intermittent fasting because they are watching my health crumble before their very eyes.

I like reading all my DMs.  I answer as many as I can.  And I block however many I deem “douchey”.

Compared to the rest of the major players here at Barstool Sports, I have a paltry Twitter following of just 40k or so, which I believe is less than that annoying goldfish that has a nicer desk than me and whose (filet of) sole purpose is to pick NFL games during the fall.  Still, I find the measly amount of messages I receive to be overwhelming at times, and I am the type of guy that likes to have an empty INBOX, so I address them all.

Conversely, I see people every now and again with 58 unread text messages or 1700 unread emails and the first thing I think is, “What a fucking psychopath.” (Erika)

But back to me answering DMs… I am so glad I do because today I got the best one ever.

A gentleman I have never met (and probably never will) reached out to simply tell me that his dad had recently passed away from Stage 4 cancer.  I am EXTREMELY lucky to have gone this far in my life without being intimate with the stages of cancer for either myself or a loved one, but I kinda know cancer isn’t a “countdown disease”, where it gets worse as its number counts down towards zero, so I was fairly confident that his dad was dealt a very bad hand and probably had it pretty tough near the end.

This gentleman went on to say his father was actually spared some of the pains of his affliction because an aneurysm took his life before the shit really started to hit the fan for him physically.

–   Now I know this is some heavy shit I am writing about right now… Arguably too heavy for a random Wednesday morning blog… But I felt like sharing, so I am not stopping now.  –

Again, this gentleman, after giving me the terrible (and terribly random) news about his father’s passing told me that he and his dad shared many laughs over my stories.

I am not sure if it is okay to quote him, but I am going to do it anyway, making only small corrections for grammar because this guy apparently went to public school (I’m kidding)…

From the early blogs referencing backs-that-were-wet, to you faking disabilities, to the Hairy Men Magazine, and finally to the most recent Bracket Of Assholes.  We connected over them all. We had a great relationship before your blogs, but they provided further opportunities to share our unique senses of humor in a time where people try to find any little thing to be offended by. For what it’s worth, Large, it’s refreshing to read someone like you who is so open and blunt with their humor.  Thanks again for what you do, and you should know that you give many people reasons to laugh and reflect. 

This probably doesn’t mean much to most of you, but it meant the world to me.  I am lucky enough to still have my father… A man who is my hero, but also a man that I don’t have a ton in common with.  My dad provided me with an upbringing and education that he himself was never afforded.  As a result, I would take a bullet for him, but I would be hard pressed to find common ground in blogs that we read.

This guy had it a little differently… Although his dad had the ultimate bad luck with a terminal disease, he and his son had the good fortune of having the same sick sense of humor.  And they had a close enough relationship that they could share different blogs that showcased sick-fucks much like themselves.

I am so proud that I got to be one of those sick-fucks, and although I didn’t cry during The Avengers because I am an adult, you can be damn sure I got more than a little choked up when I tried to read this message to my wife… A woman who would KILL to have the opportunity to bust balls with her dad just one more time.

It’s no secret that I am at a point in my short tenure here at Barstool where I have a decision to make.  And the only reason I would ever leave this wonderful place was if I needed the dough to provide my children with the stuff my own dad supplied me, my father-in-law provided my wife, and this total Twitter stranger’s dad provided him before his untimely passing.

Do you know what makes my decision a little easier?… Some random stranger who reached out with a virtual thank-you note that was, again, RIDDLED with grammatical errors, who provided me with a sense of accomplishment I never experienced in my 25 years on Wall Street trying to rob from the public.

I told you I try to answer my DMs but I consciously chose NOT to answer his, and I did that only because I would undoubtedly get even more intimate information on his family, and that would make this quasi-anonymous blog impossible to write.

But I will answer his DM now by saying…

“Thank you very much for making this old-racist-weirdo’s day, and on behalf of my family and everyone here at Barstool, we offer you our sincerest condolences on the passing of your father.

I can only assume he was a great man, but I can comfortably say he was a great dad (minus the grammar lessons, of course), and I hope his extraordinary legacy lives on for generations to come.”

Rest in peace, you beautiful stranger… And take a report.

-Large

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I dug up 2 of your dad’s faves, and I hope they provide a much-needed giggle…

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TAR

-L