Bachelorette Contestant Ryan Is Asking Girls Out On Weird & Creepy Dates

The Bachelorette season 7,246 started last night and with it came the news that contestant Ryan sends the creepiest and worst text messages on planet earth.

Go ahead and roll it: 

You’re at the bar. You meet a girl that’s neither repulsive nor repulsed. You have an average conversation for several minutes before she indicates an interest to go back to her friends.

It was nice to meet you she says.

It’s been a while since you made it this far. You’re naturally delighted and thus overly excited. Do you want to get cheese fries and have sex at my place later? 

No thank you.

Can I call you later?

Sure

At 4am?

Please don’t.

No just to invite you to get some coffee or drinks next week. That’s why I’d call. 

Here’s my telephone number. You can text me.

You go home and start combing her internet presence starting with LinkedIn because the last girl who gave you a number was just SO BUSY. Better make sure you know as much about her work experience to prevent that from happening again.

Next order of business – search all relevant family members on facebook. Is her mom hot? Any siblings with some serious baggage like prison time or a missing limb? Do your homework and make sure you’re not walking into a goddamn ambush of emotions.

Then, get a good estimate on how many kids her hips can hold over the next 10 years. Even if the bar was dark, think hard. This one’s important.

When that’s done and assuming no major red flags in steps 1-3, ejaculate to the thought of her companionship into something cotton – it washes better.

And then finally, after a tireless night of turning in your crusty sheets, you eagerly send her the following text message the next morning to let her know you can be serious and fun at the same time:

Good morning Sam! It’s Ryan Spirko from tavern on broad last night… I think I’m undefeated against this birthday so far cause surpsrisingly I’m not that hung over this morning!

* non threatening emoji*

It was great meeting you last night!

Also, Do I get my one birthday wish today? Bold strategy using my entire single wish on this, I know… but as the kids say these days, you gotta risk it to get the biscuit.

Here goes nothing..

For my birthday Sam, I wish for a nice casual date. No expectations and nothing crazy.. oh, with you of course. Ideally over something that I hold most dear in my heart … you guessed it, ice cream *nonthreatening emoji* so the ball is in your cort Sam. ALl I need to know is if my one birthday wish can come true, and if so, we can pick a day for the most romantic casual ice cream date of your life!

P.S. – I know the whole “tell someone your wish and it won’t come true” adage, but not a worry at all… I’ve already done the due diligence and according to section 3, Article 5 of the birthday wish handbook, if the girl is above a 9 in beauty and attractiveness then she has the power to override and grant the wish as she see fit.

And that’s how you keep your virginity well into your 30’s