Steven Jackson Signed A 1 Day Contract To Retire As A Ram, Got Randomly Selected For A Drug Test, Then Basically Told The NFL To Shove The Drug Test Up Roger Goodell's Ass

Okay, I may have used a little bit of blogger’s creative license with the last part of that headline and there is definitely a chance that Steven Jackson was just having some fun on Twitter. But I choose to believe everything I read on the internet is true until proven otherwise, especially if the person talking about skipping a drug test went to college in Oregon, currently lives in Las Vegas, and confirmed the story to a friend with the crying laughing emoji.

Now maybe Steven Jackson didn’t want to have some dude staring at his dick to make sure he wasn’t using a Whizzinator or maybe he has been medicating in retirement after being ridden like a goddamn ox during his career and didn’t want to deal with the headaches of an appeal in order to sign what was essentially a nice gesture by the Rams. I mean look at some of these goddamn numbers.

If a running back got 436 touches like Jackson did in 2006, I’m pretty sure the NFLPA and sabermetric football nerds would file a joint lawsuit on his behalf and advise him to holdout until he got a new contract and the right to use some sort of drugs to battle the 400+ car accidents his body goes through every year. I doubt the NFL gives a shit about the PEDs someone signing a one year deal may take. Plus if you hike up Mt. Kilimanjaro with Chris Long, that puts you at the very least on the NFL’s Watch List if not gives you an actual strike against the league’s drug policy.

In the end, I bet the NFL’s “random” drug testing software almost exploded with red lights as horns blared after it saw the name Steven Jackson that likely got Auto Corrected by Google.

Even if you tell Google you want STEVEN JACKSON, the algorithm hits you with the “Are you really sure about that?”

However, everything we’ve seen in the Goodell Era tells us that the people that make a living protecting The Shield will want their pound of flesh for a player skipping a drug test, no matter what the reason is. And since Steven Jackson will never actually suit up for the Rams, I imagine the NFL will just penalize whoever Jackson played his last game for.

I hope Patriots fans don’t get too attached to what will likely be the 32nd pick of next years draft, because Goodell is definitely coming for that shit with all he got.

Very Random Sidenote: Not to date myself, but when I was in college we used to have a Madden league and imported NCAA Football rosters for new draft classes. One of my roommates was the Texans and drafted RB 34 from Oregon State AKA Steven Jackson. When it came time to rename him to Steven Jackson, he instead chose to rename him to Horse Moo because that’s what he said a queef sounded like. Yes I realize how ridiculous that sounds, but in college you don’t really bat an eyelash when one of your friends does something stupid. Well, every time Horse Moo played against our friend who was the Colts (which was a lot since they were in the same division and we banged out a full Madden season every two weeks or so despite 10 idiots playing in it), he would run for roughly a billion yards and the Colts player would scream “FUCK YOU HORSE MOOOOOOO!!!” as the Texans player would scream “HORSE MOOOOOOOO!!!!!” at the top of their lungs. So when I hear the name Steven Jackson, I think of him being named Horse Moo in Madden after a ridiculous description of the sound a queef makes then think about the former All Pro running back then think about this funny anecdote of Jackson refusing to take a drug test. This story may have taken home the bronze medal, but it’s a strong bronze in my mind.

Pretty much what I am saying is that I reeeeeeally miss how stupid and fun college was. If you are in college, cherish every fucking second of it and make sure to play a Madden league with your friends. Then again, I get to play in Madden leagues with some of my favorite people on the planet for work, so I guess life isn’t all that bad. Anyway, congrats to Horse Moo for bringing his career to a fitting conclusion on the franchise that brought him into the league, even though I wish he didn’t do the good people of St. Louis dirty with that profile bio.

That slight would probably send YP into a murderous rage if the Blues didn’t just win the Stanley Cup and he pretty much became a viral sensation and mayor of St. Louis because of it.