An Underdog Story: Whitney Cummings Thinks I am Too Gorgeous to be Kept on The Raya Waitlist

So just before Ria and Fran interviewed Whitney Cummings for their latest CITO interview (which is fantastic) we got into a delightful conversation wherein Whitney buttered me up like a biscuit by complimenting my hot face, and explaining how well it would perform on the illustrious dating app Raya. I must have the perfectly douchey skull for it. Anyways, for those of you that don’t know what Raya is, it is basically the illuminati of dating apps. It’s designed for elite people to meet other elites, so they can have elite conversation, which leads to elite orgasms, which then leads to elite children, who develop elite cocaine addictions.

Right up my alley.

Now, I was under the assumption that to be accepted you needed to have some assemblage of what I call the “millennial holy trinity” which is; having clout, being hot, or being a DJ. Now I never learned how to play an iPod in front of a crowd, and I don’t have a ton of clout. So I decided to play my greatest strength, which as Whitney said is “looking like someone who’s hot.”

But as you saw in the clip my genetics gifts weren’t enough to get me into Raya’s douchebag paradise. I got waitlisted along with KFC, which makes no sense because some how Grinnell got in. But obviously the waitlist is just Raya’s way of socially euthanizing you, and sending your lifeless corpse back to Tinder. Now, after I got the news I didn’t think much of it. I just took a deep breath, punched a whole in my wall, and decided that I would be “taking my talents to the streets.”

But flash forward 2 months and oh how the turn tables have turned. Your boy has a celebrity endorsement now, which means the black hearted employees of Raya will be salivating over me like I’m a European DJ who exclusively performs at Lindsay Lohan’s ecstasy potlucks.

So here are my options now as I see them:

1.) I use my new, and very real, relationship with Whitney to get those demons at Raya to release me from their waitlist. At which point I spit in their face and become the warlord of all of the people they have rejected.

2.) I do the same thing, but I promptly accept their invitation with no hard feelings, and pillage their app like Jack Sparrow.

3 & the most likely) I remain on the waitlist for eternity and I simply take stock in the fact that me and Whitney have bonkers chemistry and that she will likely cast me in her next show.

So no matter what happens here I’m laughing.

Your move Raya, my balls are in your court.