Innovation Is The Father of Masturbation

Who do you think of when I say the word “innovator”?

I tend to drift towards men (and very few women) who have either invented technologies or fought for freedoms that I take advantage of every day.

Someone who saw a need, and then went out of their way to fill that need.

Innovator, in my mind, is almost synonymous with words like courage, perseverance, dedication, etc.

I’m sorry… Scratch that.   As long as we’re talking about words, I didn’t literally mean the word “synonymous” in that last sentence…  You can’t just swap out the word “perseverance” for “innovator” in any situation.  That would make whatever phrase you were doing the swap within sound absolutely senseless.

Through hard work and perseverance, Rosa Parks got a front-row seat.

Through hard work and innovator, Ro-Pa got a front-row seat.

That makes no sense at all.

What I meant to say was- Every innovator I can think of is/was just fucking chock full of shit like courage, perseverance, and dedication.

That’s much better.

So again – Who do you think about when I say “innovator”?

For me, Thomas Jefferson leaps to mind immediately.

I am not sure if it is politically correct to still laud TJ in this day-and-age mainly because of his alleged penchant for banging slaves.  But outside of his dubious peccadillos, I think we can all agree that Jefferson provided us with a host of things that we take for granted every single fucking politically-correct day.

Ben Franklin was another such innovator, even though B-Frank’s curiosities also led him down a path to being a special kind of freak.  One who not only invented bifocals and the flexible urinary catheter, but also one who liked to take air-baths and cooked turkeys with lightning.

I’ll mention a female innovator also, just to check a potentially unkempt box…  Lorna Cheeks of Delco, PA was the first culinary pioneer to take thinly sliced rib-eye, fry it on a flat-top, and then serve it in a crusty loaf of Italian bread smothered in Cheez Whiz.  Thus was born the modern-day cheesesteak that millions of obese Philadelphians enjoy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day.

More recently on the innovator front, we have Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook to thank for the ability to hunt out bathing suit pictures of ex-girlfriends, Kevin Systrom of Instagram for the ability to watch young urbanites twerk and fight on WorldStar Hip-Hop, and Jack Dorsey of Twitter for the ability to pretend our opinions matter.

“But Large… I quit Facebook once my mom joined, Twitter has become too political, and young people scare me so I don’t use Instagram. Therefore, your last three examples meant nothing to me.”

I hear you, fellow old person.  But this next guy I am going to tell you about will definitely resonate with your daily routine.  It’s a guy who should be a household name but isn’t.  And that is why I am spreading his story to the 10 or 15 people who haven’t already turned back to the main page to ogle the latest Smoke-Bomb Of The Week.

That man is Fabian Thylmann.

Not many of you will remember this, but right around the turn of the century, internet pornography was not so readily available.

Sure, you were always able to dig up a quick nudie picture and/or stroke video, but not in the user-friendly way we can today…  Not by a long (money) shot.

The premium on-line porn websites back then were pay-to-play for the most part, so they were only available to either the wealthy or to those who knew how to steal content from behind paywalls.

Well, that all changed once Fabian Thylmann came along.

Fabian made a boatload of money developing something called next-generation affiliate tracking software (NATS) which enabled websites to track clicks on the attached ad links so they could, in turn, get paid the proper commission from said advertisers.

As soon as Fabian amassed enough dough from NATS, he immediately formed a company called Manwin which bought up as many pay-to-play websites as he could find, and he transformed ALL of them into free platforms that now efficiently gained revenues through ad clicks instead of paywalls.

Manwin systematically bought a host of obscure websites that have since have become household names including…

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(how many of those have you visited?)

What I am saying is that Fabian Thylmann is the sole reason we have access to soooo much free online porn today.  And for that I say…

So here’s what I propose…  Fabian’s birthday is June 5th, and (I already checked) he doesn’t share it with anyone who is remotely deserving of a National Holiday.

Soft-rock demigod, Kenny G, is also born that day, but his appeal is limited.

Mark Wahlberg also shares that birthday, but he’s still ducking some racist shit from his past. (He was a 12 seed in the Asshole Bracket)

The only celebrity born on that day who is even close to Fabian would be Mexican revolutionary general Pancho Villa (June 5, 1878 – July 20, 1923).  HOWEVER, we all know Mexicans are probably not going to get any natty holidays pushed through until 2020, at the earliest, so let’s throw old Pancho on the back burner for now, ¿Estás de acuerdo?

Which leaves room for that day to become Fabian Thylmann Day.  Not necessarily a day where we all get the day off of work, but certainly a day where we all get free WiFi in bathroom stalls across the nation.  A day where the flags fly full mast like a strong wedding dick.  And a day where every red-blooded American man, woman, and child (above the age of 12?) can express their right to bear lube.

¿Estás de acuerdo otra vez?

So on this fine Sunday morning, let’s take a break from whatever bullshit you have going on and take just a minute to raise a glass of warm yogurt as we toast an innovator who worked so hard just so all of us could jerk so easy.

God bless you, Fabian, and God bless America (even though Thylmann is German).

Take a report.

-Large

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Is it hypocritical to tout a paywall in a blog that celebrates a man that tore them down?

Probably.

Do I give a fuck?

Nope.

Been messing around with some food content on ExtraLarge these past couple of weeks, and BarstoolGOLD dropped Part 2 of my fresh mozzarella making experience at Annabella’s in East Rutherford this week.