Cincinnati Reds Alien Aristides Aquino Defies Logic And Hits a Home Run Every Time He's Up

So there’s a man on the Reds named Aristides Aquino. The cool thing about him is that he homers every single time he’s up. 7 bombs in his first 10 major league games, only the 2nd to ever do it. He has strength I’ve never seen before. He stands straight up at the plate in the most intimidating way possible. It looks like he’s stalking his prey. Kmarko plays him in his daily fantasy lineups every night and texts me saying no one has any idea who this guy is except for him. For a few games he was right, but now the secret is out. This guy is a fucking alien. Did you see where that ball landed? It didn’t. Guess what? It was his third one of the game. These were the other two.

MONSTER. He had 28 homers in AAA before his call-up on August 1st. In his last four games he has 6 bombs. These balls leave orbit they’re hit so hard. Aristides Aquino has become must watch. He might hit five out tonight. Lord have mercy. I have a phrase I like to use for people like Aquino: God Child. This man is a God Child.

P.S. We need a nickname for this guy ASAP because I will never spell that name right the first time.

Update: His nickname is apparently “The Punisher” so that works.