In A Shocking Turn Of Events It Would Appear That Dairy Queen's Burgers Are Not Made Out Of Human Flesh After All

Dairy Queen Payment Systems Breached By Hackers

Washington Post – The entire ingredient list for a Dairy Queen burger, the company says, is beef. From cows. Not from humans.

Dairy Queen had occasion to clarify this on Friday, after a federal raid at one of its South Carolina restaurants set off a flurry of conspiracy theories about the fast-food chain…The mayhem seems to have begun Wednesday, when federal agents surrounded a Dairy Queen location in Greenwood, S.C., as part of an investigation that also led them to a home and a convenience store, the Index-Journal reported. The restaurant manager, Saif Momin, told the newspaper that a corporate inspector informed him that someone had complained about “human meat being inside a burger.”

…Rumors apparently sprang from Momin’s comments with such force that an Index-Journal reporter found himself calling the Greenwood County coroner for an official statement that human beings were not, in fact, cooked into Dairy Queen’s hamburgers.

https://twitter.com/DairyQueen/status/1164983647281340416?s=20

So you know how we, as a society, think that we are so advanced and everything? We can travel to space. We’ve found cures to countless diseases. We can communicate with people all the way across the world with just the press of a button. Hell, we can watch porn on our phones. How crazy is that? Imagine telling somebody in the year 1753 that one day pretty much everybody would have this little device in their pocket and on that device you could watch 2 people fucking. And yeah I guess you can make phone calls with it and everything else, but I feel like they would be a little more interested in hearing about the part where you can watch people fucking.

But anyways, we’ve done pretty well for ourselves as human beings in the year 2019. We are an advanced society for sure. However…sometimes we need to take a quick step back and realize that we’re not nearly as advanced as we think we are. Sometimes we need a little reminder that we’re really all just a bunch of slightly evolved monkeys running around the planet for a while before we die. Nothing more, nothing less. And this moment right here? Well this is a classic reminder that we’re nothing more than just a bunch of slightly evolved monkeys.

The Washington Post. Ever heard of it? It’s a pretty important and respected publication that has won 47 Pulitzer Prizes. And the goddamn Washington Post is out here writing stories about Dairy Queen burgers being made out of human meat. And why are they publishing articles about Dairy Queen burgers being made out of human meat? Well because a Dairy Queen in South Carolina had hire a goddamn coroner just to come in and see for a fact that Dairy Queen burgers are not made out of human meat. And why did this Dairy Queen in South Carolina have to hire a coroner to come in and inspect the burgers to make sure that they are not made out of human meat? Because we’re all just a bunch of slightly evolved monkeys who are just running around the planet for a while before we die.

We think that we’re an advanced species but in reality, we’re just idiots who need an official statement from a coroner to tell us that Dairy Queen isn’t out here making their burgers out of people. All of a sudden those people from 1753 realize that we’re the exact same as we were before, but porn is just much more accessible.

@BarstoolJordie