Recapping Lil Tay's Summer Comeback Tour

As most of you already know, I had my big journalistic breakthrough in May when I was the first reporter to break the story on 10-year-old rapper Lil Tay's summer comeback tour. Well, technically, Troy Farraday from the Bismarck Tribune published a piece on it first, but he was cancelled for tweeting the "C word" (the racist one; not the British "misogynistic" one or the cryptic "vaginal" one) in 2008 when he was a sophomore at a boarding school in Singapore. Apparently he was just "quoting" a classmate but that doesn't just magically reverse a cancellation, so all the credit went to me. Ha. With the spotlight on me, and the internet singing my praises, I was able to score a list of perks including free VIP passes to each of Lil Tay's shows on her summer tour. Obviously I took full advantage of that gift, and now that my brain is back to equilibrium, I'm finally ready to recap my overall experience.

Idlewild & Soakzone (Ligonier, PA)

You might recall a certain lawsuit that stopped this show, which was incorrectly dubbed "fake," from even happening.

Well that didn't stop hundreds of Tayniacs from protesting in front of Idelwild's entrance gates on June 12th—just two days before Flag Day—which subsequently prompted Lil Tay, herself, to throw a free concert at the Giant Eagle parking lot in Ligonier.

Pin-O-Rama Lanes (Utica, NY)

Taking place at one of the largest mid-size bowling alleys in Oneida County, it was no surprise that this concert ended up being referred to as "The Indoor Woodstock Of The Northern Mohawk Valley." The dopest part of the show was probably when Tay brought out Montana of 300 to perform "Freak Her Brains Out," which culminated with him making a witty bowling pun about "keeping it 300."

Sky Zone Trampoline Park (Norwalk, CT)

The only "lowlight" of this show was when a 7-year-old Norwegian boy named Oskar broke his neck trying to crowd surf (it's a lot more difficult when your support system is first graders haphazardly attempting to balance on a trampoline) and unfortunately became paralyzed. Big yikes! However, Tay ended up donating all the money she made from the concert to his GoFundMe, so the situation had a happy ending.

Apple-A-Day Care Center (Worcester, MA)

The Taype Worms showed out in full force for the Apple-A-Day show. One of the most heartwarming and precious moments of the concert was when a nonverbal child with a severe cognitive disorder used his augmentative communication device to "sing" along to the chorus of "Mary Had A Little Gram."

Bullwinkle's (Columbus, OH)

Bull's did it big for the world's youngest flexer. A group of incoming freshmen from Hilliard Davidson High School got kicked out for using overly fake learner's permits, but other than that, everything went smoothly.

Penn State Phi Kappa Psi (State College, PA)

I honestly didn't think the fellas at Phi Kap had it in them to top the Asahd Khaled concert they hosted last summer, but boy oh little boy, I was wrong. The complimentary jungle juice was the only thing stopping me from consciously raging for the entire show.

Applebee's Bar + Grill (Johnstown, PA)

I didn't wake up in time to make it to this concert, but I heard the AshTays of Western PA flocked to Johnstown in droves to see Lil Tay blow the fucking roof off Applebee's.

Whisper Nightclub (Morgantown, WV)

Tay killed it from start to finish, but Whisper went absolutely bonkers when she brought out the Yin Yang Twins to perform one of their song.

Stardust (Wildwood, NJ)

I blacked out for this show, but I vaguely remember a teen boy named Georgio DeGraziano or something like that taunting certain member of the Tay Hive and yelling slurs at them.

H2O Nightclub (Ocean City, MD)

This was probably the most special show of the entire tour for me, considering it took place at the same venue where I lost my finger virginity during a foam party in 2009. Tay's show was foamless, and I didn't get caught red handed by security this time, but my night at H2O was just as thrilling as the infamous one a decade ago.

Bountiful Blessings Daycare (Norfolk, VA)

Unlike the Apple-A-Day crowd, the Norfolkian infants and toddlers were a lot more "hip" and comfortable with the rampant profanity in Tay's music. Although, a three-year-old boy with a behavioral disorder had a disastrous bout of sensory overload during Tay's bass-heavy performance of "Pop! Goes the Wesson" and had an ongoing temper tantrum that ruined the rest of the show for me and most of the other kids.

Captain Hooks Adventure Golf (Myrtle Beach, SC)

Hand up, I did too much ketamine for this concert and got kicked out for aggressively K-holing in the alligator pond.

Magic Kingdom (Orlando, FL)

I learned my lesson from the Captain Hooks fiasco and stuck to ecstasy for Tay's show at "The Happiest Place On Earth." A 33-year-old mother got on my shoulders when Tay was performing "Old MacDonald Had a Glock," and in the heat of the moment, her 4-year-old son went missing. In fact, he's still missing. Which sucks.

Magic City (Atlanta, GA)

A table of BirthTay Boys and Girls collectively got alcohol poisoning and had to get rushed to the hospital (only one died), but this show was nothing short of an award-winning documentary from start to finish.

Delta Airlines Sky Club (Miami, FL)

You would've thought we were experiencing chronic turbulence when Tay was performing "Five Little Bumpskis."

Big Sandy Superstore Arena (Huntington, WV)

Seeing Lil Tay in my home state was surreal. I inhaled a little too much wasp spray before the show, and ending up embarrassing myself in front of my cousin's daughters, but it was still an awesome show.

Chapel Hill Mall (Akron, OH)

The salesman at the knockoff G-shock kiosk kept trying to sell everyone fentanyl, which was chill, until the police came and we had to wait five minutes for them to tell the guy to stop.