My Complete Failure Of A Summer Intern Search

In early June, I was feeling a little power hungry and decided I wanted my own intern to help me do whatever it is that I do on a daily basis. I know, I know, I probably didn't need or deserve one, but it wasn't going to be anything crazy or costly. Just a temporary gig, and they wouldn't be compensated or positively reinforced in any way. So I posted an ad in the "gigs: talent" section of Craigslist and spent the next two days painstakingly scouring through dozens of applicants, many of whom seemed to completely misunderstand the type of position I was seeking. Whatever.

When it was all said and done, there were only two people who stood out as even relatively suitable candidates for the job, so I invited both of them to the office to do a joint interview. One was a portly young man with knock knees and a Habsburg jaw. He actually flew all the way in from Kansas because I accidentally posted my original ad on the Manhattan, KS Craigslist page instead of the Manhattan, NY one.

Simple mistake. I forget his name so I'll just refer to him as "Big Kansas." The other was a squirrelly whippersnapper from New Jersey named Duncan or something equally terrible. I'll refer to him as "Duncan."

Instead of coming up with my own questions for the interview, I decided to just steal them from KFC Radio's "Answer The Internet" video series, in which comedians and other celebrities answer absurd and vulgar hypotheticals on the spot.

I figured it would be a good litmus test to find out if either of my candidates were naturally funny or entertaining, two of the predominant qualities I was looking for in an intern. To say that neither of them worked out and it was a complete disaster from start to finish would be a voluptuous understatement. I didn't get permission to post the video but here's the transcribed version of their atrocious answers to each question.

QUESTION: Would you rather lose a leg or never be able to have sex again? 

Duncan: [poor attempt at a pirate voice] Arrrrrrrr…you serious, mateyy? Give me a peg leg and watch me plunnnder the booooty!

[long pause]

Me: What?

Duncan: Lose a leg. I'd rather lose a leg.

Q: Would you rather have everyone be naked all the time or everyone be clothed all the time?

Big Kansas: Hmmm…[Brief pause] That's a tough one…I guess I'd rather have everyone be naked. At least that would make holidays and other family events more tolerable.

Me: More tolerable how?

BK: I don't know…aesthetically…

Q: Would you rather kill 30 kittens in a row or 1 dog?

Duncan: Kill 30 kittens in a row? Pshh [Smug laugh] That's an average month in college for me.

[Tries to fist bump me but gets rejected]

I'm talking about slaying pussy…

Q: Would you rather have your mom send you nudes or send all your friends a nude?

Big Kansas: [Scratches head and appears to be in deep thought] So you're asking if I'd rather have my mom send me nudes or send…my mom a nude?

Me: No, unless your mom is your onl-

BK: I can't answer that, man. I get an equal thrill from both.

Q: Would you rather have a nose as your dick or a dick as your nose?

Duncan: Shiiiit…How about you give me that motherfuckin' dick nose and get your girl a gyno-plasty.

[attempts to dap me up]

I'm talking about surgically reconstructing her nose…to make it a vagina…

Q: Watch your dad have sex with a 100-year-old man or your mom kill someone?

Big Kansas: I'll probably be able to answer that one better once my grandpa turns 100.

[I kick Big Kansas out of the room]

Q: Every time you laugh a dog dies or every time you fall in love there's a genocide?

Duncan: [Devilish smirk] Why don't you ask your Aunt Barbara? The last time she fell in love with me there was a massive genocide and she didn't seem to mind at all…

[long, uncomfortable pause]

I'm talking about all the kids I sacrificed…on her back…and breasts…

Q: Would you rather orgasm every time you hear "All Star" by Smashmouth or hear "All Star" every time you orgasm?

Duncan: [Takes deep breath and voice cracks as he proceeds to break out in song]

Aaaaand my dick starts cummin' and it don't stop cummin…

[painful silence]

I'm saying that I'd rather hear "All Star" every time I orgasm.

Q: If every time you got an erection a song plays, what song would you pick?

Duncan: That's a tough one. Probably "Down with the Sickness" by Disturbed.

[Poorly attempting to mimic lyrics in ominously creepy voice]

Can you feeel that?

Ahh, shit

[Gesturing toward visible erection poking through pants]

OOH-WAH-AH-AH-AH

[I ask him to leave]

OOH-WAH-AH-AH-AH!!! OOH-WAH-AH-AH-AH, OOH-WA-

[Duncan is forcefully removed from the room and office building]