A Jury Said Johnson & Johnson Must Pay A Man $8 BILLION (With A B) Because Their Drug Caused Him To Grow Boobs

Blogger’s Note: In the interest of journalistic transparency, the thumbnail for this blog was not a picture of man boobs but instead Katy Perry’s boobs in an effort to get your click since I don’t think a zoomed-in picture of manboobs will move the needle. Please see attached gif for the source image:

Okay, I am ready to start the blog now that I got that off my chest.

…

*giggles*

…….

Okay, NOW I am ready to start the blog after getting off that sweet ass boob pun.

Market Watch- A Philadelphia jury on Tuesday ordered Johnson & Johnson to pay $8 billion in damages to a Maryland man who said his use of J&J’s antipsychotic Risperdal as a child caused enlarged breasts and the company failed to properly warn of this risk.

It was the biggest award to date among more than 13,000 lawsuits against J&J alleging that Risperdal caused a condition called gynecomastia in boys, which involves enlargement of breast tissue. The lawsuits generally claim that J&J was aware of the risk of this side effect, but understated the risk to doctors.

Say what you want to say about Philadelphians as sports fans or as humans. But they are apparently the most generous bunch on the planet when it comes to taking someone’s money and giving it to someone else. I had to read this story three different times to make sure I was seeing that settlement right. But it appears they actually awarded this guy $8 billion with a B for getting manboobs as a kid. I know that this is probably some ridiculously high Dr. Evil number meant to send a message as well as give the judge some wiggle room for the actual settlement amount.

But there is at least a chance this guy can become a billionaire for having a pair of boobs other people would pay thousands for, which has me thinking of a quick way to get out of the blogging game and into the mogul game. Because if this guy can sue Johnson & Johnson, does this mean I can sue all the fast food joints, delis, and pizzerias that I frequented in my life for giving me a beautiful set of chesticles during my formative years as well? Because while I wouldn’t say my childhood was bad, having bigger boobs than the girls I was crushing on as a youngster couldn’t have helped my love life, or social life for that matter. Was that emotional suffering worth the GDP of a small nation? That’s not for me to say. But what I am saying is that about 10 other companies that think both inside and outside the bun can expect to see me and Mike Portnoy Esq. in a Philadelphia court sooner rather than later.

Also not to go Big Brain™ on Johnson and Johnson, but why don’t they just sell the part of their drug that causes boobs to grow naturally and undercut all the doctors charging for implants that require major surgery for boobs like Katy Perry (gifs once again supplied for journalistic purposes).

P.S. This is the most accurate tweet in Twitter history