It Appears That My Ex Is Back In Town

The date was October 21. I was sitting behind the computer screen and looking deeply into the blueish hue that dominates my days. The computer light was bright but my heart was dark. Over the past few months, I’ve been thinking about my ex. I’ve been thinking about getting deep inside those guts. Pumpkin guts. Gushy. Mushy. Long for my pumpkin seed.

“Hey Chaps, you up” she texted me from the pumpkin patch hotel. “I’m back in town and wouldnt mind seeing you.”

My heart drops. Sure, I could go for a casual Monday lay but my soul will long for more. I’m not the kinda fella who can just fuck em and leave em. I love love too much. The touch of a lover stays with me longer than the odor from a skunk stays on an outside cat. Folks, that’s a long time.

“Of course I’m up. It’s 1:46pm central time. I work for a living writing for Barstool Sports.”

“Haha I know. I was using the meme format of ‘you up’ texts. Thought you’d catch that. You work in social media after all.”

Embarrassed, I reply simply “jk.”

“Anyway, I was listening to one of your podcasts lately and I used one of your promo codes for a product I really like.”

“Oh. Which podcast?”

“Hi Haters.”

I know that bitch is lying. That podcast got canceled MONTHS ago. We havent recorded anything for that in about a year.

“Oh cool,” I say fighting back tears.

“I used the Dollar Shave Club promo code Chaps. I love the executive handle on the razor. It gets super close.”

“Glad you like it.”

“You will too,” appears on my screen along with this image.

I nut.