Monday Morning Rumination- Fuck, Marry, Kill (NSFW, obviously)
I think most of us know how the traditional FMK game works, but for those who do not... You're given three people along with the 3 hypothetical questions:
Which one would you fuck (just once)?
Which one would you marry for the rest of your life?
And which one would you murder?
I have seen the wordage for this game neutered a bit for younger audiences when the kids play Kiss, Marry, Slap... A neutering that fascinates me since the sex is reduced to a kiss, the murder is reduced to a nice firm slap, but entering into what could be a loveless marriage FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE gets by the censors unscathed. But I digress. My wife does a weekly podcast with a friend called Whoa-Man, and oftentimes, either Annie or her partner, O'Malley, ask followers on Twitter for FMK scenarios that they can address on the show. I like to throw little curveballs at the ladies every now and again, asking them which of the 3 Golden Girls they would FMK just to see who they'd pick after having to consider both senior citizen AND same-sex concerns.
--- I know there are 4 Golden Girls, but the oldest one is left out because she might be- 1) Unable to fuck... 2) Too easy to kill... And 3) Marrying her for the rest of her life at this point might result in being just a long weekend. ---
When OJ made his triumphant entrance to Twitter just a few months ago, I DM'd him asking who he would Fuck, Marry, Kill, and his three choices were Nicole Brown Simpson, Nicole Brown Simpson, and Nicole Brown Simpson... He never got back to me. Digressing again. So this week... On a rainy lazy Sunday... I gave the Whoa Man girls an FMK scenario that I thought would be fun for me to also address here in this blog. And for those who like to comment on blogs, feel free to weigh in.
This week's choices are El Presidente, KFC, and Big Cat.
Now, I realize the results of this particular round of FMK could potentially insult one or 3 of my co-workers, but since I am almost always the Kill candidate in this game when I am one of the three options, anyone who has an issue being (hypothetically) fucked, married and/or murdered by me needs to lighten up. The Fuck part probably causes the most questions... Or it at least poses questions that need to be addressed before the Marry part is approached. Namely, if it is a same-sex scenario between 2 guys (like this), who is to be the fucker, and who is to be the fuckee? There is no rule book, so for the purposes of this blog, I will rule: Going forward, the Fuck part of FMK involving 2 heterosexual males shall hereby involve both parties being both the top and the bottom during the same lovemaking session. Essentially, you do me and then I'll do you. Furthermore, the Marry part of FMK involving heterosexual males does not propose a marriage that necessarily involves sexual relations. Considering now that for the Fuck part I will both have to F and get F'd by one of these fine gentlemen, I have come to the conclusion that...
I WOULD FUCK KEVIN CLANCY.
Truth be told, this one was easy. KFC is arguably the most handsome guy in this bunch, and I can think of worse ways to spend an afternoon (I guess) then wrapped in his essence.
--- I should probably stop here to assert the fact that I DON'T WANT TO FUCK ANY GUY (sorry Clem), but for the benefit of this blog, KFC is my one-time lover. ---
Congrats, Kev. As I mentioned before in that neuter sentence, the Marry part of this game is probably the one that requires the most thought. I think I could make it through a one-time sexual dalliance with just about anyone (except Clem), and I often plot murders for fun. But marriage is such a long term commitment. You can't just close your eyes and get through a lifetime of wedded bliss like you could a quickie or an assassination. It's something you have to work at FOREVER. Given that herculean task...
I WOULD MARRY THE SHIT OUT OF BIG CAT.
Again, I don't find Dan attractive, nor do I WANT to marry him. However, for the sake of this game, I would find his company 'til death do us part' to be the least offensive of my three choices, so I would gladly get down on one knee in Paris and ask him to be my lawfully wedded husband. Plus, we probably could borrow each other's clothes. And finally, for the big pizza-reviewing end...
I WOULD KILL DAVE.
Fuck Michigan.
Take a report.
-Large
Had the Hard Factor boys on last week, and have Young Mantis joining this Friday on ExtraLarge on BarstoolGOLD.