The Celtics Are Solving Their Bench Woes Through Cold Hard Haircut Science

Over the course of an NBA season there are going to be things that make no goddamn sense but the evidence will be so rock solid that you can't ignore it. There's no arguing that the Celtics have had the worst bench production in the NBA through their first 5 games. Dead last in points per game and 28th in FG% (36%)while shooting a cool 15% from three. Those numbers don't even seem real but I hate to say it they are very real and very terrible. Now there are a bunch of ways you could fix this, maybe a chance in offense, running sets to get guys easier buckets, staggering lineups etc. Well it makes me even more confident that the Celts bench woes are over because they are embracing the one fool proof method we've seen turn around the subpar shooting from key guys. I fully accept that this is weird and makes no sense, but I am a slave to science. When a struggling Celtic gets a haircut, everything about their shooting and offense improves. Don't worry, I can support my claim and this is a subject we touched on when Jaylen got rid of his flat top. Last year there was Marcus Smart  

Before haircut: .356 fg%, .304 3P%, .474 TS%, 9.9 ppg

After haircut: .481 fg%, .342 3P%, .600 TS%, 13.1 ppg

then there was Kyrie Irving 

Before haircut: .391 fg%, .241 3P%, .453 TS%, 16.4 ppg

After haircut: .502 fg%, .434 3P%, .617 TS%, 25.3 ppg 

and now this year we have Jaylen Brown 

Before haircut (2018): .465 fg%, .344 3P%, .547 TS%, 13.0 ppg

After haircut (2019): .500 fg%, .286 3P%, .574 TS%, 17.3 ppg 

I mean how much more evidence do you need? We have Carsen Edwards, the super subs who's only role is to come in and get buckets is currently putting up 22/15% splits. While the dreads looked awesome, it's clear something drastic needed to change because those shooting numbers were not going to cut it (no pun intended but intended). It's at the point where Carsen couldn't even make his wide open threes which frankly I didn't even know was a thing. Now with his new look I have zero doubt that he's going to be able to shoot at a respectable level which the bench desperately needs. 

Then there's Semi who has two roles. Defend everyone at a high level, and for the love of god hit your 1-2 open three you get during your minutes. Well, so far he's 0-4 from three and is shooting 28% from the floor. Maybe he simply can't shoot, but maybe he just needed to adopt the haircut science. If he can find a way to be like a 33-35% three point shooter he'll earn himself way more minutes especially since he's still nails defensively. We haven't seen Semi go with this approach so we have no idea if it will work for him but all we can do is trust the science. While we're at it, I wouldn't hate for Grant to also get a fresh cut because so far he's 0-8 from deep and is shooting 36% on the season. Considering we can pretty much pencil him in for 18-20 minutes a night it certainly can't hurt. 

This all may seem like nothing, but since when has science ever lied? It's one thing to hear that the guys are in the facility working hard and all that, but seeing them be willing to go to these measures is the best possible news. This team has already been surviving while getting absolute dick from their second unit, now just imagine what things could look like once these guys, especially Carsen, actually starts to shoot the ball like we all know he can. When Carsen unleashes for another 8 3PM performance like the last time he played CLE

we'll all look back to this moment as to what changed everything.