A Year In Review: My 2019 Scrapbook
Can you believe the year’s almost over already? I can! I don’t know about you guys, but 2019 was an emotional roller coaster for me. A lot of intense indifference and sitting around, serving no real purpose in the world while ultimately being overlooked and disregarded by the people closest to me. With that said, in a hypothetical scenario where my mom decided to start making annual scrapbooks for me again, what type of material would she use to showcase my top accomplishments and highlights of 2019? You know… the things that would make her proud to call me her son.
Now that there’s no more photos showing off my impressive athletic abilities, like dressing myself in my uniforms, sleeping without a blanket, and participating in picture day, what performances could my 2019 album possibly flaunt?
Since there’s no longer any action shots of me running directly into a trio of defenders twice my size for a gutsy two yard loss, what pictures could she now post under little stickers and badges that say skill? Let's imagine.
MY 26-YEAR-OLD SON SPENDS SEVERAL HOURS ATTEMPTING TO TROLL CELEBRITIES, BARELY SUCCEEDS (JANUARY 2019)
While the majority of my colleagues furthered their careers in 2019 by interviewing, befriending, and networking with celebrities, I took a slightly different approach to gaining their attention.
And, for the most part, it was a gigantic hit on the internet.
To be fair, when I included people like Calvin Coolidge, Sacajawea, Matty B, and the WVU mascot on this “data-driven” list of “the most popular celebrities of 2018,” I didn’t really expect anyone to take it too seriously. I even attempted to make the farce more apparent with the individual write-ups.
While I was disappointed I didn’t get a reaction from people like Barack Obama and XXXTentacion for some reason, I was still delighted to score replies from some of my other personal favorite superstars.
Kyle STUNS JoJo Siwa
I still don’t understand the existence of JoJo Siwa — who she is, what she does, and whether she’s a human being or some type of other entity — but I’m intrigued by her mystique. Apparently, she’s like a 6’0” high school junior who exudes the energy of a 6-year-old girl's birthday party. Which is some combination of horrifying and awesome.
Here’s some of my favorite excerpts from her Wikipedia page:
“Known to audiences for wearing large, colorful bows in her hair”
“Her bows found a strong following among primary-school pupils in the United Kingdom and were ultimately subject to bans as teachers discovered that students unable to afford the bows were bullied by their peers.”
“In June 2019, the FDA issued a warning about dangerous levels of asbestos in a JoJo Siwa-branded cosmetics kit.”
Oh okay, now she makes more sense to me.
35-Year-Old Youtuber Humbly Responds To Fake Award
Kyle Spontaneously Loses His Shit Over Acknowledgment From Infamous 'Gun Girl'
This response, which has tragically since been deleted by Kaitlin, was the epitome of all the reasons I use Twitter. The exact type of shit that motivates me to put my pants on every morning and go to work.
Kyle Satisfies Porn Star
This was one of the few times a Twitter notification has ever made me audibly gasp. I refuse to take credit for successfully “trolling” Dr. Sins, because I know a busy man like him didn’t actually take the time to regard the map or read the blog. One of his patients or students probably showed it to him and he was like “oh cool” before dropping a quick tweet and getting back to work.
KYLE FREAKING DESTROYS KANSAS (EPIC)
The population of Kansas took a quick break from fantasizing about vacationing in Omaha or jumping off the tallest twine ball in Wichita to express their displeasure with me designating a random college kid with 20K followers as the most famous person from their state.
I responded by asking (and answering) How Fucking Boring Is Kansas? which prompted an ongoing feud between me and The Sunflower State and begged the question, how fucking boring is my life?
KYLE TRIES TO GANG UP ON OTHER STATES AS WELL, PROMPTLY GETS OBLITERATED (NSFW)
Ok. I got a little cocky and underestimated just how little is going on in the states I was satirizing with this one.
I’ll admit it. I was a little shaken up when I saw this tweet from Brooks Tally warning me about my detrimental mistake, especially when I noticed the entire state of Wyomingggg retweeted it. But I never could’ve expected the ensuingggg beatdown I was about to receive.
“KB needs a barstool up his ass.” — Bobby Mathews
KYLE CREATES FAKE GOFUNDME PAGE FOR FICTIONAL DUMB BITCH (LINK)
Yes, I know I dedicate a suspicious amount of time to trying to mock innocent sorority girls and Coachella attendees. Before you ask, "who hurt you?” consider reading this:
KYLE VIVIDLY RECOUNTS GETTING CHEATED ON BY IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND, SCORES SYMPATHY FROM INTERNET (LINK)
I actually felt kind of bad ab- no I didn't, but a lot of people ended up believing it and DMing me sincere, heartfelt advice and apologies. Just know that I still appreciated the kind words and felt a childlike rush from feeling like a victim.
KYLE SPENDS HOURS CREATING FAKE BRUNCH MENU/ARTICLE JUST TO TROLL 'THE DANWAGON' AND NO ONE ELSE (LINK)
KYLE COMPENSATES BY INFURIATING INTERNET WITH OBNOXIOUS FAKE SOBER BAR MENU THAT HE LATER WOULD FIND OUT IS ACTUALLY A COMPLETELY REALISTIC PHENOMENON (LINK)
With three-ounce beverages that consisted of ingredients like sacrificial cow blood, organic oxygen, and holy water, I figured this "menu" crafted in Microsoft Word wouldn't make much of a splash.
I was wrong.
Kyle Attends Real Sober Bar, Pounds Girl
KYLE EXPLOITS YOUNG CHILD FOR PAGE VIEWS, CONCOCTS FAKE CONCERT POSTER, GETS COMPANY SUED
I’ve already written a lot about this saga, but the sheer absurdity of it all cannot be overstated. A tiny 4th grade girl abruptly rebranding as a hardcore rapper and going on an entire U.S. tour sponsored by Backwoods, Gerber, and Juul? Performing songs like “Mary Had A Little Gram” at daycares, strip clubs, miniature golf courses, frat houses, airplanes, and trampoline parks? The fact that a shit-posting troll tweeted out the poster and link. Thousands of people STILL believing it’s real. Government officials from cities like Johnstown, PA and Utica, NY releasing public statements about it. Backwoods threatening to sue us. Soakzone Amusement Park actually suing us. Just what the fuck was all of that?
INNOCENT LITTLE KYLE GETS WRONGLY ACCUSED OF BEING A CREEPY SEXUAL PREDATOR
My listicle of the "hottest 18-20 year olds in the world" that included barely legal vixens like the TI-89 calculator, Heinz EZ Squirt ketchup, and the Furby ended up sparking controversy amongst unwavering/unclicking Twitter vigilantes.
MY NEARLY 30-YEAR-OLD SON KYLE ALMOST DEFEATS TEEN PIPSQUEAK IN FEUD (LINK)
KYLE PRETENDS LIKE HE HAD A PROM DATE IN HIGH SCHOOL, ENRAGES ILLITERATE FEMINIST COMMUNITY (LINK)
