The Incredibly Bizarre Target Twitter Phenomenon

It all started in 2017. I think it was some time between the Mosul massacre and the release of F8: The Fate of the Furious, but it’s hard to pinpoint a specific date. The ubiquitous large-scale retailer, Target, abruptly and mysteriously transcended from a slightly above average general merchandise store to a celestial utopia and magical wonderland of theatrical discourse and viral eavesdroppers. On Twitter, at least. 

It’s a phenomenon that’s been baffling historians, anthropologists, and journalists (like me) since Hurricane Harvey, but for the past year or so, I honestly almost completely forgot about it. Until…

This past Friday, during the onset of my briefly beloved birthday weekend, a tweet surfaced on my timeline that instantaneously resurrected strong emotions from yesteryear. Emotions that were reminiscent of my first time getting my dick catheterized or my 897th time hearing Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke. 

There it was. The classic dialogue format and aggressive use of the enter key. The sharp-minded hero of the conversation being an extremely young child. And most importantly, those famous first three words:

“Overheard in Target.”

Before even checking the stats, I knew this tweet was going to do Bubonic Plague numbers and be more of a viral banger than Charlie Sheen or Eazy-E.

Frisky bango cockshot. Diddle my dick with a Desert Eagle and fuck me in half with a Caterpillar 416E backhoe. Nearly half a million likes and a Ninja/Drake Fortnite stream worth of RTs. And deservedly so, I'll add. The kind of wholesome, Golden Globe exchange that could only take place at the collosal of clout, the red rings of retweets, the Kingdom...of Target. 

“Look at this pink stuff!”

Every girl can recall their hopelessly regressive mother shouting that nostalgic command at them when they’d pass an ambiguous cluster of pink...stuff in public. It’s a phrase that’s used by mothers every single day, but Maggie just happened to overhear a brilliant rebuttal from a kindergartner with the quick wit of a 30-year-old aspiring Twitter star. Only at Target. 

But what if I told you only one day later, another incredible, viral discussion was coincidentally overheard at the sacred, scarlet promised land. You'd probably call me crazy, huh?

Perhaps the wildest part of this phenomenon is that the toddler protagonists of these nonfictional conversations often have the exact same senses of humor, opinions, interests, and personalities as the viral tweeters who coincidentally overheard them. Only at Target. 

Rewinding to 2017 when this initially became a modern marvel...

All it took was one incredible man. One perfect boyfriend who accidentally confused Target with a Bassnectar set or Brooklyn warehouse party. Perhaps he was thrown off by the glitz and glamor of the Pizza Hut Express’s neon lights or the Starbucks’ flashy logo. Perhaps he had a brain parasite. Regardless, this completely real boyfriend was one of the pioneers in the movement of deifying the mediocre establishment. 

A mid-size sanctuary worth of butterflies tickled the fluid-soaked lining of my deteriorating stomach when I read the quote in this tweet. "Gang gang we out here at target doing that family shit." A middle-aged man speaking in the same manner as a hip teen, inspired by nothing but the unconditional love for his family and the supernatural corporation. Only at Target. 

Only at Target will you overhear people talking to their children as if they were Stanford undergrad projects or prototype androids that are only capable of computing statements said in the most literal sense possible. 

We’ve all been there. That awkward moment when you randomly spawn in one of the most recognizable places in the world—one with its extraordinarily distinct color scheme, logo, and name plastered all over the store—and you accidentally mistake it for an even more universally recognizable place with a completely different color scheme, logo, and name plastered all over the store. 

Yuppp.

And we've all been in this situation too...When you’re forced to vocalize unnecessary details to a person who very well already knows them. So that an audience, who just might happen to be eavesdropping in the same section of a gigantic store as you, has full context when it comes to your private conversation. Only at Target. 

Inconceivable that a human, let alone one that's dedicated to being as creative and interesting as possible on social media, would have the brain power to just...make that up. 

What. A. Line. Immediately cast this little kid into a CBS sitcom about a dysfunctional family who's genetically predisposed to celiac disease. Immediately. Only at Target.

Sexy boy Marcus and verified reporter Yasmeen need to collab on a podcast about millennial dating culture after this mutual zinger of a thought. 

For simple minds, a good rule of thumb might be that if something exists in abundance in Nebraska, or if there's 8 of it near Yankton, South Dakota, then it's probably, at best, not that good. But the magic of Target can't be comprehended by simple minds.