I Hate These Asshole Surfer Bros So Much

A lot of people don't know this about Chicago but we technically have a surfing season that runs from December through February. Don't believe me? Just ask Chief. He used to work with this whack job who owned some fancy pants bio-thermal wetsuit and would commute out to GARY INDIANA every weekend and hit the shores to "hang ten" and "surfs up." Sometimes he would even venture out there on weekdays before work... 5am wake up call to drive the Subaru Outback across the state border. He'd spend the first 30 minute just waxing the board, eating an egg mcmuffin, visualizing a successful day in Corporate America while the sun splashed on his face as it peaked above the smokestacks at US Steel. Needless to say it was his happy place to find peace and comfort.

Obviously that's a savage move for a lot of reasons. Notably because it's more dangerous to park your car in Gary than it is to surf on their rocky shores in the dead of winter. But also because the indigenous fish population continues to evolve at a startling pace, likely due to a rich diet of industrial waste and dead bodies.   

You gotta be an absolute crazy person to want a piece of that action. 3 weeks later your dick is falling off and your skin is turning green because you accidentally swallowed half a mouthful of Lake Michigan's finest? No fucking thanks.

But that's the thing about outdoors people. I'll never understand you guys. Not even landmark advances in modern technology and household furniture can keep you indoors. Part of me certainly admires that. But part of me also knows that you're gonna be at the bar this weekend, talking up your surfboard and trying to get laid. 

Good luck bro. 

In the meantime, I'll be over here with my dog, 24 cans of great tasting less filling and a laundry list of cash-only italian beef shops. Maybe that doesn't yield as much trim as you but on the brightside my body won't be washing up on a private beach in New Buffalo Michigan next April. 

Call it a fair trade off.