POWER RANKING THE ICE CREAM MAN ICE CREAMS
I'm goin to make this short and quick, but know this heading into the blog that this list is the end all, be all of power ranking the different ice creams the ice cream man sells and that is FINAL. No other opinion matters.
Let's back track a moment though; there was NOTHING better than being a little 10 year old shit head in the summer time playing running bases, ghost in the graveyard, tag, or anything else and hearing the magical jingle of the ice cream man off in the distance. You know exactly what I'm talking about:
Click play on that video if for some reason you want to have that song stuck in your head for the next month. I swear to god the fastest I've ever moved was from the cul-de-sac to my house to steal a few bucks from my mom's purse so I didn't miss the ice cream man. Ah, the memories...
But let's get down to brass tacks: I'm going to try my best to limit the amount of choices in this blog and categorize them all into categories of ice creams with similar characteristics. So, without further adieu, the official power ranking of ice cream man ice creams.
***ORDERED FROM WORST TO BEST***
The Turbo Rocket (all varieties), snow cones, push pops
I'm putting all popsicles, snow cones and push pops in this category. These were the WORST offerings the ice cream man had in his arsenal. Total poor people shit and it's not even really ice cream IMO. If you were younger than 10 and willingly purchased any of these items from the ice cream man, you probably stuck fireworks in bullfrogs' mouths and burned ants with magnifying glasses before succumbing to a hard core meth addiction and doing 20-25 years in the clink for attempted murder. Just a psychopath move to purchase this trash.
Batman/Spiderman/Spongebob/Sonic the Hedgehog/etc. popsicles
I'm of the (correct) opinion these are also trash because
A. they're basically popsicles which we've already discussed are poor people shit
2. the look like the re.... fucked up version of the character they're trying to portray
D. the gum balls they commonly have are hard as fucking ROCKS. Seriously those gum balls are probably responsible for more trips to the dentist than anything on earth combined. The dental industry is probably in cahoots with whoever makes the gum balls here.
Now with all of that said, I wouldn't completely judge you if these were your ice cream of choice from the ice cream man. A little bit, but I wouldn't assume you were eventually going to be found in a back alley sucking dick for crack.
Ice cream sandwiches of all kinds
NOW we're cooking with gas. Ice cream sandwiches are perfectly refreshing on a balmy summer day. I have but two gripes with ice cream sandwiches and I'll be the first to admit that I'm nitpicking when I state these qualms:
4. They often have the freezer at way too cold of a temperature so the cookies/graham crackers can become freezer burnt
23. The ice cream squeezes out of the "buns" after you bite into it.
Other than that, it's a great ice cream man treat.
Strawberry Shortcake/ Chocolate Eclair/ Fudgesicles/ Creamsicles
Finally we get to ice cream on a stick. I wanted to power rank each of these separately but couldn't. It's an impossible task. That doesn't matter though; what matters is that these are definitively the best ice creams that come in stick form by FAR and away. Fuck outta here Sonic. Piss off Batman. Get bent Spongebob. You don't hold a candle to the strawberry shortcake or the fudgesicle. If I were a chocolate eclair, I'd be embarrassed to share a freezer with you.
The Sundae Cone:
Look, I get what you're thinking: "WSD you fucking asshole, how in the FUCK is the Sundae Cone not ranked first? It's DELICIOUS!" and ya know what? I get it. I get that you might think that. You're unequivocally wrong, because this is my blog and not yours, but the Sundae Cone is a fucking fantastic treat. A delicacy, if you will. I could go for one right now as a matter of fact.
But it's not as good as the undisputed champion of ice cream man ice creams...
... The Choco Taco
Alabama football. The New England Patriots. UCLA basketball circa 1960s and 70s. My right arm.
The Choco taco.
These are the greatest dynasties in the history of the world. I was lucky enough to enjoy a choco taco yesterday:
and it was everything I remembered it being and more. For one moment and one moment only, I was in heaven. The first bit was pure bliss, as the waffled shell crunched between my teeth while the vanilla/fudge middle melted away. I've said a lot of controversial shit on twitter over the years, but this was the first time I've ever tweeted a thought and was met with near unanimous agreement from the masses.