The Internet's Savior Has Arrived! I Humbly Present To You: English Muffin Rat
Just as an entire nation loses all of the sports it knows and loves, here comes English Muffin Rat to save the motherfucking day to give us the perfect distraction! Now I'll be honest, I missed the entire Pizza Rat saga of 2015 because I had to do work back when I actually had a real job. But I have vivid memories of that walking, breathing, hungry pile of disease taking a plain slice down a flight of subway stairs and causing Twitter to talk about nothing but Pizza Rat for hours on end. I don't know if it was because we were dumber or just lived during simpler times when everyone didn't spend their free time yelling at each other on the internet. But for whatever reason, people love the fuck out of rats lugging some delicious carbs as they embark on their commute down in the dungeon of squalor.
To be clear, I know the nice young ladies narrating this video said that our four legged friend here was carrying an Egg McMuffin. But as someone that has enjoyed a McDonald's breakfast or two million in his days, there is nooooo fucking way that is an Egg McMuffin due to the clear lack of egg, cheese, or any SEMBLANCE of breakfast meat on the sandwich. Just a preposterous line that almost has me thinking English Muffin Rat was a plant by Mickey D's to capitalize on the vacuum of content going on right now and ensuring the name of their super popular breakfast item starts trending just as grocery stores get ransacked with lines as far as the eye can see. I refuse to believe that though because English Muffin Rat is pretty much all we have right now and I'd eat a rat before I believed he was planted for nefarious purposes.
While I am here, I'd like to take this opportunity to shout out the English muffin for being the most underrated breakfast bread in the game. Plenty of people have rightly sung the praises of bagels for years and toast is pretty much synonymous with breakfast to the point you get a side of it with almost any order at a diner. But as much as I hate to say it as a proud American, there is something just fancier about eating something called an English muffin with those little nooks and crannies on them. We always break out a fresh pack of Thomas' [No Free Ads] in the Casa de Clem for the holidays because the name is distinguished, it makes us feel like rich folk, and the meat-to-bread ratio on a bacon egg and cheese sandwich is best on an English muffin. That's not even an opinion either. That's simple math, science, and a little bit of home ec slapping your brain as well as taste buds with a whole lot of truth. You know what? I am going to go to the store now and fight an angry mob of people to get myself some quarantine muffins for tomorrow because I earned it. Thank you English Muffin Rat for the inspiration.
P.S. Henny Rat is still and will forever be my favorite Food & Drink rat of this garbage island. Long live the king!