FINALLY Some Quarantine Excitement!! My Upstairs Neighbor Has Started A Passive-Aggressive War Over My Ceiling Fans
This is Life Under Quarantine. This is the new normal. This is just how it is and it's time for me to get used to it. A world where I literally LEAPT to my feet with excitement over a call from my downstairs doorman, telling me my upstairs neighbors had called 4 times today complaining that my ceiling fans were "causing an annoying vibration" in their apartment. It's like God saw me struggling and sent me a lifeline. You know that joke about the flood and God sending the lifeboat and the people refuse it because they say God will save them then they drown and go to Heaven and say why didn't you save us God and he says I sent the lifeboat 4 times! This is my lifeboat and I'm jumping on it.
Everyone needs to be very clear about this — by no means am I trying to be some sort of "tough guy" or thinking I'm a bad ass, like "Don't mess with Kmarko!!!" or something. No no no. A fist fight, and street fight, ANY sort of physical altercation or something even BORDERING on something that intense - completely different story. I wouldn't even say I'm PROUD of this right now. I am certainly not proud. I could actually not be any LESS proud. It's childish and immature and petty and spiteful.
But this is just the truth. I am the Final Boss of childish and immature and petty and spiteful. There is NOBODY, not ONE SINGLE PERSON on Earth that you want to start an unspoken passive-aggressive battle over minor annoyances with less than you do with Kmarko in Quarantine.
Even under normal circumstances, I couldn't be the bigger man here. It would be very hard, probably impossible for me to say Oh ok no problem and just turn the fans off. Maybe open a window instead for a bit.
But under Quarantine? Day TEN of Quarantine?? Where I'm at the absolute edge of sanity and losing my mind from boredom and isolation, with no end in sight??? My God man. My god did you pick a bad time to complain about a fucking ceiling fan vibration. I quite literally will not stop running my ceiling fans at full, MAXIMUM speed until you pass out in your apartment from the vibration G-Forces or they rip themselves off my fucking ceilings. Even then, I'll go buy new ones. I'll even learn how to install them myself since we can't bring in any outside workers. And I'll do it all over again. Until they fly off all over again. I will not stop until there is no ceiling left. Until it is literally just you looking down at me with nothing between us. And then, I will pull up a Youtube of "Vibration Sounds" and put it on full fucking volume on my most powerful fucking speakers until you have no choice but to jump down here and kill me. Just murder me with your bare hands. And I'll go out smiling because I know I won. I AM the most passive aggressive, petty, spiteful motherfucker the world has ever seen and I died proving it.
Things got dark there pretty quickly but whatever, this is Quarantine. It happens. All I know is I'm watching the news in my winter parka because there's a fucking arctic wind storm going on in 4B.
PS,
Honestly I have been suspicious for a little bit that the guys didn't do a great job installing these. Like they did the wires wrong so when I turn one on, it turns the other off and stuff like that. It's possible that they're getting an obnoxiously large vibration up there.
Know what I definitely know though? I know we're in our apartments because there's a fucking pandemic ravaging the world and killing people and it's a literal national and worldwide emergency and we have no idea when it's going to end, and the fucking people who have JAZZ parties every weekend where they smoke cigarettes and blow it through my vents until 4 AM had nothing better to worry about than to call in a fucking noise complaint FOUR times because their downstairs neighbor who can't go outside wanted a fucking breeze for 10 minutes. That I know. Enjoy the vibration bitch.