Coyote On The Roof Of A Bar In Queens

NYDN – A coyote scampered back and forth across the roof of a Long Island City bar on Monday, as stunned locals gawked at their wild neighbor. “He didn’t pay his bar tab, so he ran out onto the rooftop,” quipped L.I.C. Bar owner Brian Porter. Tenants with views of the Vernon Blvd. watering hole spotted the four-legged visitor from their windows and alerted Porter, he said. The bar owner thought they were joking until he saw the beast for himself. “I’ll tell you one thing, he was well-fed,” Porter told the Daily News. “He wasn’t one of the scrawny coyotes I’ve seen in my time.” He said he suspects the coyote was living in a vacant building next door and hopped through an open window onto the roof. The predator drew a crowd of onlookers, including a worker from a nearby veterinary clinic, who scaled a wall to get a closer look. She scurried back down when she realized it was a coyote and not a stray dog. Police soon arrived and tried to snare the coyote with rope loops fixed to the end of poles, but they didn’t have any luck, Porter said. “He escaped two police officers, and he jumped on the roof adjacent to me and then jumped through the window” of the vacant building, Porter said, adding that “he’s still at large.”

No, no, no, no, no. We are not doing coyotes. Its not an option. On top of all the other bullshit in this city, we are NOT gonna have a fucking coyote problem. The homeless is part of the deal. The 10 or so deaths a year from people getting hit by subways is part of the package. The expensive living, the crowded streets, the constant smell of garbage – thats all stuff you just have to put up with when you live in New York. Fuck I’ll even deal with the fact that spring and fall no longer exist and that its just either freezing cold or blazing hot with the threat of fucking hurricanes a few months a year now.

But I am not doing the coyote show. I gotta draw the line somewhere and wild scavenger dogs is it. I’ll deal with the wild scavenger humans but I dont need fucking hyenas walking the streets. Where do these fuckin things even come from??? They just mosey on down from upstate or something? Catch wind from all their other homeless dog friends that there’s dumpster upon dumpsters and garbage everywhere for them to eat?? Just because these things look like dogs doesnt mean I’ve giving them the “Awww cute” treatment like all these people in Queens. We cannot live amongst jackals and wolves and shit. We need stand our ground on this one.

PS – How about Birk O’Halloran calling them “Kai-oats.” The only person I will allow to use that pronunciation instead of just being normal and saying kai-oh-tee is a dude named fucking Birk O’Halloran.