A Truck Carrying 2,200 Pigs Flipped Over In Ohio Last Night And I Wasn't There To Help

Someday when I’m old and gray and my shithead grandchildren are sitting around asking me to tell them a story I’ll tell them about the time the Blackhawks were in the Stanley Cup Final and thus made me miss a semi-truck full of pigs tipping over in Ohio. This will go down as one of my greatest regrets. A forest full of pigs, ready to be manhunted and where was I? Chicago, like a schnook. Plucking pigs out of the trees left and right looked like as much fun as any person could have on earth. I apologize, to everyone, but especially myself.

PS
When this happened last night everyone was naturally making bacon jokes which was totally called for given the situation but it reminded me of something. People who do the “just add bacon” or “bacon is the best ever” thing on the internet are the most unfunny and unoriginal people on earth. Bacon is delicious, get it guys? Get it?!?! Wanna make something better? Just add bacon! HAHAHAHA! #Bacon