A 'Viagra-like Chemical' Leaks into Kazakh Village's Water Supply and Turns Everyone into Crazed Horndogs

The Sun - A YEARS-long phenomenon that has left villagers in a remote Kazakh village  super-randy and dozing for days may have been solved.

Experts claim the sexually-frustrating symptoms could be down to a viagra-like chemical seeping into the residents' drinking water.

Locals in the Kazakhstan backwater of Kalachi dozed off for several days at a time - and there were other alarming side effects with some men waking up with a "dramatic increase in sexual desire", according to reports.

A female villager whose husband was a "victim" of the condition said medics were left "laughing and blushing" by the weird affliction.

Residents were also prone to violent hallucinations, with children especially badly hit.

One girl said she saw an elephant's trunk attached to her mum's face, while a terrified boy was convinced horses and light bulbs were flying around him.

New research links the weird condition to secret chemicals - likely used by the Red Army - stashed in underground containers in a mineshaft close to the village. ...

Some 124 families who remained in the “sleeping village” no longer suffer from the condition which lasted from 2012 to 2015. 

As a general rule, I'm against any and all chemicals leaked into water supplies by the military wing of secretive totalitarian regimes, even if said army had a really kick ass hockey team back in the day. Anything going into your drinking water other than dihydrogen monoxide:

... is bad every time it's tried. 

But if this isn't the ultimate mixed blessing, I don't know what is. Sure, we'd all prefer pure, filtered, mountain spring fed water coming out of our taps. But if it's not going to be that, the next best thing would be water that makes you sexually potent, helps you sleep, and makes you think you have an Elephant Mom. 

And all for the price of tap water? Are you kidding me? Do these Kazakh villagers know what people pay for that kind of a buzz over here? Maybe seeing flying horses and light bulbs orbiting around you isn't the best thing for a Kazakh kid, but once you get used to it, that's those are the kinds of things John Lennon wrote "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" (L.S.D.) about. If I was them, I wouldn't have been calling the authorities. I would've been calling my lawyer and a bottle factory and put Perrier out of business inside a month. 

Besides, this sort of thing is exactly how a lot of your greatest pharmaceutical discoveries are made. Not necessarily by steel drums filled with weirdo mystery chemical weapons buried underground for decades. But not always by careful experimentation in a lab using the Periodic Table, either. True story: Years ago there was a heart medicine undergoing clinical trials that wasn't really effective in treating cardiac patients, so the pharma company asked their subjects to just send their samples back. Then an interesting thing happened. No one did. When the company reached out to find out why, they were told the boners were life-changing and everyone wanted more. That's how Viagra was invented. The point being that not every side effect is a bad one. And if you're going to be showering and brushing your teeth every day with stuff that helps your sex life and gets you high to the point you're seeing Tangerine Trees and Marmalade Skies, don't complain. Make the most of it. Then sleep it off for a couple of days. Win. Win. I'd take a 5-gallon bottle of Kalachi Water right now, thanks. Those people know how to party.