Did I Beat The Shit Out Of Some Random Dude At A Wawa The Other Night With My Ass Hanging Out?

To be clear, I am honestly asking that question. Because my brain was mush before the pandemic hit and now it's pretty much that ice cream soup you make by make by mashing a sundae up. I don't think I would fight somebody, let alone fight somebody at a Wawa since I have never been in a fight my entire life and live nowhere near one of the most delicious gas stations in the Northeast. But I do love me a good Thanksgiving wrap and have heard the Gobbler is to die for. 

So I suppose there is a chance that I ditched my family one night while my brain was in Sleep Mode, masked up, drove an hour to the nearest Wawa, and engaged in fisticuffs against some Eagles fan to let out some of the stress that comes with being surrounded by your family NONSTOP and having a team that battles in the supercompetitive NFC East. The headlock is about the extent of my athletic ability, the quick first step out out of the store is thanks to all the laps I have run for Coach Judge and I stopped caring about people shaming me about my body in public the minute my child was born. There's a reason why parents go from kids that have fashion sense to moms and dads wearing mom and dad shoes/jeans/etc. It's because we are too tired and old to give a fuck anymore. 

There is also a chance that this was all filmed to set me up because I simply cannot comprehend how that commentary could be so flawless or how my cock never made it on camera, regardless of how small it is. Wait, did I say that out loud? Whoops! I also don't know where this gigantic back tat came from either. Must've been when I adopted Chelsea as my team and fell in love with the Premier League logo.

Or maybe it was a wrestling doll doppelganger that Large found on his family vacation getting into some shit after his 6-pack and tan went away…

Or maybe Glen Perkins is getting into some shit in retirement, I don't know…

h/t a whole bunch of you because my mentions are FLOODED with this derelict, which obviously made my day