We Finally Have Irrefutable Proof That Witches Are Real And Live Among Us
Surprise, bitches! You're all in trouble now. I'm allowed to blog on the Barstool website? I've been given a platform bigger than my extremely average Twitter and Instagram followings? It is finally, officially, OOOVER for you hoes. Do I think I'm a good writer? Mostly, yes. Am I full of myself? Mostly, yes. Let's see if I can win over all of your hearts and minds, as it means much more to me than it probably should. Starting with one of my favorite topics: WitchTok.
What's WitchTok, you ask? It's a sub genre of TikTok. Yes, TiKToK ThE DaNciNg ApP FoR KiDs ThAt i'M ToO oLd FoR. Can we all agree to stop talking shit about TikTok and just admit it's a very funny, interesting place to watch content? Good, I'm happy we did that. Moving on.
It was a SpOoOkY night, about a year ago, amidst an evening of very little slumber. As my bloodshot eyes (I had been wearing my contacts for 3 days straight) fought to stay open so I could continue my 4 hour binge, I found the hashtag:
After you get over the initial shock of there being 6.6 BILLION views on this hashtag, allow a little room to expand your mind. We've all seen movies, we've read fairytales, we know what witches are. Society will tell you there are two kinds of witches:
Hot Witch
Ugly Witch
But what about your everyday, run of the mill witch? The People's Witch? Grossly underrepresented, IMO. It's extremely clear that the Modern Day Witch has found a place for her voice, and that place is this app. (I would say "his or her," but based on history and movies, men cannot be witches, only warlocks. Thems the rules, I don't make 'em.)
After watching a concerning amount of these videos over time, I've broken down the types of "Modern Witches" we're dealing with today.
Fake Witches Looking For Clout
These are pretty obvious. They make proclamations like "I've ended up on YOUR For Your Page for a reason! Follow, like, comment and share to make GOOD THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU!" Essentially a short-form video version of an annoying chain email from 2005. These videos POP OFF because people are stupid.
Witches Looking To Prove That Witchcraft Isn't Satanic
LOTSSSS of bitter witches out here coming for the Catholics/Christians. They love to school everyone on the history of paganism and point out the fact that the Catholic church is fucked up. These crusaders want everyone to know that witchcraft isn't fueled by Satan, but by the energies they feel and the elements and spirits they connect with most. They are always heavy on the "I can respect your beliefs, why can't you respect mine?" message. These witches are clearly losers who take it too seriously.
Witches Who Want To Debunk All Negative Rumors (e.g. "Witches eat children")
These videos get my wheels turning. This one in particular, explaining that the rumor "witches eat children" only started because healers in Russia would wrap sick babies in dough, sprinkle them with herbs "for healing purposes" and "symbolically" put them in the oven, seems… like a cover for the fact that witches used to eat kids. Even as she explains it, I'm imaging a DELICIOUS focaccia bread in the oven that also happens to have a sick baby inside. Nevertheless, they continue to try and convince us these facts are not fact, but fiction. (I don't buy it)
"Look, Here's Proof I Really Have Powers" Witches
These videos make me the most skeptical. They're also a little absurd. Some of the videos (like the one above) show "mind bending" (which could also just be video editing) while others show these hoes dancing in the forest with the wind claiming to have summoned it. Depending on how much weed I've smoked my mood, I'm either ripping these videos apart looking for editing mistakes, or I'm saying "WOAHHHHHHHHH" and pledging allegiance to Witch Life.
Cosplay Witches
Just your normal everyday dress up games. I'm certain they do believe they are witches even though all they're doing is dressing up like them, but other than the costumes, props and sultry "enchanting" looks at the camera, I see no real evidence of witchery.
Spell Casters
These are my favorite. Some of them are kind, wish you positive vibes and good shit in your life. Others are fucking FURIOUS and want to hex everyone around them. Some get extremely threatening. The latter always has some kind of big message like "oh, you messin' with ME? ILL SHOW YOU!" Big Disney villain vibes. This one above is a Mother Witch who's daughter's boyfriend fucked up. I'd like a follow up from the boyfriend after seeing this, though it'll likely be an obituary. RIP
Witches Who Like To Show Off All Of Their "Witch" Stuff
Here's where we get the crew that lives for crystals, making spell jars, burning different kinds of candles to see the flames flicker, playing with wax all the time. Tarot card readers can fall into this category too. You'll see LOTS of fire here, and a lot of outdoorsy shit. This crew uses their TikTok accounts as a way to showcase all of the stuff they've bought at the Witch Store. I can't exactly tell if it's bragging, because it seems like the weirder/older your stuff is, the better. Like, if it's covered in shit or looks like a bomb went off in a Claire's store, it reigns supreme.
People Who Are Confused, But Still Do Whatever WitchTok Tells Them To Do
This is where I personally fall. After consuming so much of this world I am ALL IN on being a witch. But then I see these videos of people talking about astral projecting (a term I had NEVER heard before, but apparently everyone else has) and it sounds fucking scary. I'm also a little woke on the fact some of these videos might exist for the sole purpose of driving downloads on weird music, but whatever.
Real Witches
Needs no explanation.
After conducting all this research, I've come to the conclusion that it's almost as if "being a witch" is the same as tricking your mind into believing in something so strongly, that you think it's real. Which, I guess, is just religion in general. I think the overall vibe of WitchTok is definitely "fun," but if you find yourself sucked into a hole it can be weird/dangerous. For example, maybe don't make tea out of random herbs that have "hallucinogen" properties just because some bitch with tattoos, winged eyeliner and bad grammar told you it would fuck you up. Otherwise, I'm sold. Sign me up, take me to the witch store, I have a few love potions to make and a hex or two to learn.
A NOTE TO ALL WITCHES WHO READ THIS BLOG: I'm sorry if you were offended, please don't hex me, I'm very afraid of you but I also want to be one of you, ILYSM.