Best Of 2020: I Lost My Wank Battle Against The Porn King :(
Previously in Barstool Wank Battles:
Last night's Wank Battle Result:
Yup that's right. I lost my first ever Wank Battle to the Porn King last night, which shouldn't much of a surprise to anyone considering I was a +750 longshot in all of the wonderful Penn National Gaming casinos.
For the people that still don't know what a Wank Battle is and refuse to give me the clicks on the above blogs, here is how The Porn King explained it during his interview on the delightful Barstool Dogwalk podcast (download, subscribe, rate 5 stars):
But just like Robin Williams' character said to Will Hunting, I could read all the books and listen to all the podcasts in the world about Wank Battles. But I would never truly understand what a Wank Battle was until I engaged in one. Again, I was hoping to take on a Wank Battle n00b like myself from Barstool to ease me into the battling game. But when The Porn King challenges you to a battle, you take it as a challenge and a learning experience.
Once I got home from Date Night, the battle was on. Porn King took the time to explain the exact rules of engagement to me:
We then swapped names. I chose some of my old school favorites along with some new school names just so Porn King didn't look at me like an AARP member. He obviously went with some of the freshest names in the Wank Battle game (he later realized he only included 4 names so he added Jada Stevens, which was the ultimate No Duh moment since everyone knows Porn King is TeamJadaStevens).
Then we battled AKA sent a bunch of pictures of women in various states of undress to each other. You know, just guys being dudes.
At one point, I thought I had the king ready to relinquish his crown after unleashing a beautiful picture of Jada Stevens.
But you don't end up sitting on the throne of the entire porn kingdom by spilling the beans after one virtual Jada Kiss.
We duked it out for a little longer before Porn King asked a question I had hoped was coming for a while.
Yup that's right. I lost my first ever Wank Battle not because I came myself while looking at a bunch of pictures sent to me by an internet stranger, which I'm pretty sure is impossible for me to do since I've become completely densensatized after grinding on the internet since before Porn King was born. Instead I tapped out because it was late at night, my old ass eyes were starting to go, and I didn't want to go downstairs to get my reading glasses (also the On A Scale question shattered the 4th wall of this contest like the opening of Stone Cold’s theme song). You know how hard it is to send pictures in a Wank Battle when you can't even tell who the person is because everything is just a big blur? Okay, probably not. But it's harder than Porn King was after I sent that Jada bomb from the heavens.
While I am ashamed to have an eyes submission on my Wank Battle record, I am still very proud that I was not KO'd by The Porn King. We exchanged pleasantries and both went about our nights (likely him getting into a Wank Battle against a legitimate gladiator and me going to sleep with a fair share of shame).
The one lesson I learned in this whole ordeal outside of what a Wank Battle actually entails? Easy.
Come at the king, you best not miss.
Meanwhile my Wank Battle against another Barstool blogger continues at a much less rigorous pace...