A Million Dollar Idea For The Bagel Industry

-There’s a lot of talk about white male privilege these days - and it certainly exists. But one place it doesn’t exist - going to the movie theater by yourself. I feel like I need to wear a shirt that says “Unarmed. I’m just here for the popcorn and CookieDough bites.”

-We’re so protective over our social security numbers, but if someone gave me their social security number and dared me to steal their identity, I don’t know where I’d even start. 

-When I order a bagel with cream cheese, I usually find one bagel to not be enough. But two bagels is too much. I have yet to develop a solution to this hellish problem, but if there's enough people like me then maybe we can convince bagel shops to sell 1.5 bagels. We could complete each other. 2 people. 3 bagels.  

-Nobody runs a better PR campaign than Q-tips. Every time you go to a doctor, they say “Don’t use Q-tips in your ears. They don't work. They do more bad than good.” And yet Q-tips just keep chugging along. They still get sold. We still buy them. We still use them. They serve really no other functional purpose except for taking the very problem they’re supposed to fix, and making it worse. But the Q-tip industry is as strong as ever. Honestly, good for Q-tips. 

-I wonder what came first. Dick as a nickname for Richard or “dick” as a nickname for male genitalia. Neither really make any sense. 

-Sometimes people will ask me, “Tommy what were you like in college?” Uh let’s just say I was the type of guy who brought my own red solo cup to parties to avoid all the germs involved in drinking games. Aka - I was the fucking man. 

-It’s weird to think how in a certain movie or show, that actor or actress doesn’t exist within that universe. They can reference celebrities, but never the actual person in the movie. Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon don’t exist in The Departed. Will Ferrell doesn’t exist in Step Brothers. Jason Bateman doesn’t exist in Identity Thief. I don’t know why those are the examples I chose, but you get the point. (Rone did refute this with Julia Roberts in Ocean's 12. But an exception to the rule just proves the rule or something like that). 

-Thanks to new executive producer Rone and some great audience feedback, Thursday Thoughts will stay on the move with unique sets for the foreseeable future. The ultimate goal? An all expense paid work trip to Aruba for a week strictly to shoot this 2 minute video. 

Thank you for your time.