The Best Way To Spend Your Stimulus Check

-Deciding whether or not to hold a door for a person medium distance behind you is a lot like approaching a yellow light. Are you gonna slow down so the person catches up to you and you hold the door for a non-awkward amount of time? Or do you speed up so that they’re far enough behind you where you don’t look rude for not holding it? It’s very similar to speeding up through a yellow light or slowing down until it turns red. I hope I am explaining this well, because it might be the greatest analogy ever made. 

-There’s two types of people in this world: People who don’t like mushrooms and people who don’t not like mushrooms. But there’s nobody out there that likes mushrooms. You either think they’re gross and pick them out. Or you say “Yeah I mean I guess I’ll eat these fucking mushrooms if they’re in it.” But I bet restaurants have never had someone ask to add mushrooms to a meal, only to remove them. 

-This is being filmed on St. Patrick’s Day, but I’m not wearing green because as a purebred Italiano, I felt like it would be cultural appropriation and I never want to say or do anything that’s insensitive or offensive to a specific group of people. Also I fucking hate the Irish. 

-A lot of people are talking about what they’re gonna spend their stimulus checks on, but whenever I get a sum of money, I never “spend” it on anything. It just goes into my checking account and I then proceed to steadily use it on Seamless deliveries over the next 3-4 months. 

-Getting a high score in a game is thrilling in the moment, but it’s also kind of discouraging if it’s too high. Then you feel like you’ll never beat it again, making the overall chase of that new high score less fun. 

-When you’re in the bathroom and someone knocks on the door, it’s cool to say “Occupato.”

-I wonder if walking around with that knife in last week’s thoughts made me or less safe. On one hand, it sort of paints a target on my back for any crazies. But on the other hand, if you’re going to attack someone, the one guy walking around with a knife should probably be at the bottom of your list. 

Thank you for your time.