There's Never Been A More Horrific Injury Than This British Dude Who Suffered The First Ever Vertical Dick Fracture During Sex

[Post] - A frisky UK fellow reportedly made medical — and sexual — history after accidentally snapping his penis lengthwise during a disastrous session in the sack.

“We present the first documented case of a vertical penile fracture … sustained by a 40-year-old man during sexual intercourse,” reads the groundbreaking case study published this week in the British Medical Journal.

Medics report that the anonymous romper’s “penis buckled against his partner’s perineum” — the region between the anus and genitals — due to what they can only surmise was an ill-timed thrust.

Every time there's a gross injury in sports I sit there and go yep, that's the worst. Specifically something like a broken knee. That just sounds like the worst injury. That is until today. Today is the day I found out you can break your dick VERTICALLY. Don't even know how that's possible. 

An ill-timed thrust? That's terrifying enough for me to never have sex again. Do you know how many of us have ill-timed thrusts? All of us. None of us are coordinated. We all think we're slightly average at sex. We're not. We just thrust around and hope she enjoys it. Now that I gotta worry about a vertical dick break? How do you stay in a perfect rhythm during drunk sex? Impossible. 

And the word 'penis buckled.' That's just ... I mean, come on. There's gotta be something better than that. You know what? This is what they should do for sex ed and try to keep people from having sex. Don't tell me about STDs or any of that. Just use the term 'your penis can buckle with an ill-timed thrust' and it's nothing but over the pants handjobs for me. All I can picture is Giannis' knee from the other night buckling and now that being my penis. Gonna need a minute or two. How do you even call 911 after that? How do you describe it? "Yeah, uhh you know how Kevin Ware's leg exploded. It's that but my dick. No, no. Vertically.' 

Consider this blog a warning to all my fellas reading this. Practice the thrusting. Can't be hearing about more dicks buckling. 

PS: Just further proof we can't do anything right: 

Per the study, “up to 88.5% of penile fractures occur during sexual intercourse, with a 20-year retrospective study concluding ‘doggy style’ and ‘man on top’ as the two main” sexual positions that endanger penises.