Are you like me, and do you have hairy balls?

If you answered, yes, then I can also assume you run into the same problem I do when I shave my plums at home… No matter how meticulous I think I am in cleaning up all the stray hairs I shear, I undoubtedly miss a fair amount, and it drives my wife INSANE. 

What little hair I still have up top on my head and beard is straight and gray, but my thatch is still dark and curly… Like a young Idris Elba… 

("Where the fuck is Wallace, String?!?!")

And I recall a time one of our infant kids crawled into the bathroom not long after my quarterly touch-up, and by the time my wife got to him, it looked like he was wrestling around on the floor of a Harlem barbershop. 

The bride picked up our little bundle of pubic hair-flecked joy and ran him downstairs to show him to me in disgust… 

Jemal Countess. Getty Images.

It was as if I let him play with a loaded handgun. 

Message received, I guess… But I also guess I deserve a little more understanding from the broad who is going to benefit the most from having a newly smooth and aerodynamic giant dick-rocket to place wherever the fuck she wants… 

So maybe lighten up a bit, okay, sweetheart?

My point is- Even though Barstool has me traveling far less than some of my sport-and-gambling-centric workmates, I still get on a plane once a month or so and travel to exotic ports of call like Kennesaw, Georgia this past weekend. 

And when I travel, I am typically put up in chain hotels such as this week's lovey Courtyard Marriot, which is located in the shadow of (and shares a parking lot with) the local Costco.  And due to the alleged pandemic that has gripped the world over the last 2 years, most chain hotels no longer offer daily maid service.  So when you check into a room for a short stay, there is a chance you will not see any type of housekeeping until after you check out.

Therefore, every single time I travel, I make sure to pack my Philips Norelco OneBlade (who I believe is still a presenting sponsor of one of our football shows), and I make sure I use that OneBlade to remove any and all feathers from my mighty raven in confidence that I will not encounter a frustrated cleaning person during my stay.

Since I am not a fucking animal, I still try to sweep up most of the scattered curlies with a wet paper towel after I am done.  And since I am not a cheap fuck, I leave a couple of 20s on the bathroom sink for the poor bastard that has to deal with the merkin in my shower drain and the claw-marks in the nearby toilet.

Three Lions. Getty Images.

So… If you want to avoid the ire of your wife, girlfriend, roommate, or significant other while still receiving all the benefits of that hairless optical inch, might I suggest you pack a razor and some baby powder and take that show on the road.

That is all.

Take a report.

-Large